First off, Thank you for those of you who have chosen to stand by me and my family during this difficult season. The words of encouragement, support, prayer, and just "Hey, how ya doin" have meant so much. I'm sorry for not being very responsive, it's been a pretty big battle each day to even get going.
Who is Maddie Swanson?
Maddie Swanson is the name that I used when I used to go out to the bars and clubs with my friends.
"Okay, but you are sober now right? Why are you using your bar name?"
I am using my bar name on facebook because of things going on people I have excluded from my life have continued to stalk and harass me. I have removed these people from my life as much as possible because they are toxic for me and in my opinion they would be toxic for my son. My words of honesty both on here and on my facebook are being used against me.
New Number Too?!?!?!
Yes, unfortunately, because of the people mentioned above I've had to change my number again. I need people who will support me and not tear me down. If you don't already have my number leave a comment here or send me a message on facebook.
So, what's happening with Keola?
Probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make/agree to is to have Keola go live solely with his dad for the rest of the school year. Keola needs to be in an environment where he can get the care and attention he deserves. Right now my mental health is not good. Keola needs more than I can provide for him right now.
But hasn't his dad not been around, like hardly at all?
Correct. His dad and I were broken up 10 days before I found out I was pregnant. He was already in a relationship (cheated on me) and there were no reasons why he and I should or would get back together. Keola's dad, for a myriad of reasons, chose to not be an active part of Keola's life until I first went back to school in Kirkland. That is when we first went to court; once the court ordered visitation was established he began stepping up and for the most part fulfilling his role as dad. Once again things changed and his dad chose not to be a part of Keola's life. Around September of 2009 I applied to CWU and found out I would be accepted early October to start Winter quarter. Keola's dad wasn't happy about us moving so far away and really limiting options for visitation. He agreed and allowed Keola and I to move over here. It's been a difficult year. Full of blessings but difficult. I honestly feel like I am having a mental breakdown. The stress of the last year and lingering stress from previous years has taken it's toll. Between choices of alcohol abuse and not being the mom Keola needs me to be the decision was to have Keola go with his dad. I am incredibly nervous about this. This is a man that has walked out, and intentionally chosen to not be a part of Keola's life so many times and is now doing a 180* and saying he will step up and be the dad that Keola needs him to be. Keola's dad isn't a bad dad, he just doesn't know how to be a dad. I'm really hoping these six months allow for such growth for all of us.
Will you be seeing Keola? How would that work?
Some of you know, some of you don't, there has been CPS involvement. I will be able to see Keola in person every other week for a supervised visit on the Westside. Details are still being worked out as schedule and timing as both Keola and I have school schedules to contend with. The court approved Skype as a method of communication as well. I'm excited about this because it will allow Keola and I to have frequent face time. I was able to talk to him before bed last night and he was so excited!
What about all of Keola's things? Your apartment?
I sent the majority of Keola's clothes and some favorite things with his dad yesterday. Obviously it wasn't feasible to move all of his things. When I go to visit I can bring some more of his stuff, like games/toys/pictures. Because I don't qualify for "family housing" anymore I will be needing to move. I meet with housing today to discuss options of staying in Brooklane or if there is other campus housing available. I honestly have no idea where I will be living. I only have a couple weeks to figure it out :-(
Technical Help
I am in alcohol abuse treatment, counseling, migraine management with meds, looking at starting with group treatment through CWU, random UA's to confirm my sobriety (not an issue), continuing with school and beginning my workout regimen again.
Anything else?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not be afraid or hesitant to ask questions or to talk to me about what's going on. As I've said before, very few of my choices have been acceptable these last couple months. I take full responsibility and am working to correct these and get back to being a strong, stable, healthy mom and family.
I am a single mom determined to make opportunities for success for my son. God has blessed my family of two in more ways than I can count. I'm so grateful for that and when I'm not I seem to be surrounded by mom’s who remind me. Currently we live and thrive in Ellensburg, Washington. It's pretty much in the middle of the state and a 180* from our life in Bellevue. We are here by God's grace and provision to reconnect as a family and quality education for both of us.
