In less than 2 weeks I will no longer legally have a child. My son will no longer be "mine". My heart has been breaking since November 13, 2010 when I first lost him. (Another post talks about this) Then 12/25/2010 my world ended. K was taken into a more permanent custody situation. I have been working so hard to get my stuff together and get things set to give K the life he deserves.
I found out I was pregnant February of 2004. In a Rite Aid bathroom. By myself. With a stolen pregnancy test. I thought my life was over, I had no idea my life was only just beginning to get meaning and start on the road to redemption.
June 12, 2012 I am signing relinquishment papers (Relinquishment, in the context of adoption law, refers to a birth parent
voluntarily giving up his or her parental rights to a child, so that the
child may be adopted.) for K. 7 years after I "should" have.
Seven has such powerful meanings in so many cultures and religions, here are a few.
* Refinement.
* Seven symbolizes God's perfection, His sovereignty and holiness
* The number 7 is usually equated with the idea of perfection.
* 7 means control
* Shiv`a 7 days of mourning
* Sheh-bah : complete or full
* Greek it stands for purity
K's birth was not planned nor wanted. I'm sure that comes across as harsh for many of you but I need to be real and honest. I never wanted children. I had a very abusive and traumatic upbringing and young adulthood. My not wanting children goes deeper than that though; for as long as I can remember two things have held strong and true: I don't want to get married before I'm 30 and I don't want children. K changed my world. He gave me meaning. He gave me value. My flesh and mind and realized talents I owe to him. Like every other parent I wanted better for him than what I had.
I didn't do it right but I tried! I tried the best ways I knew how. I was empty and alone and scared. Not a day goes by I don't regret one choice or another. Not a day goes by I don't play "what if" with a hundred different situations. I saw a sign once, "I'm not where I intended to be but I'm where I need to be" My heart aches constantly. My son is amazing. Blasting through adversity and barriers he is so amazing.
The only thing I can do is sign the papers. Love him in my heart. Remind him he is so precious and not broken or wrong but such an amazing blessing, not only to me but to all those he comes in contact with.
He's not dead or dying but I feel like he his. Please be patient with me and my grief.
I am a single mom determined to make opportunities for success for my son. God has blessed my family of two in more ways than I can count. I'm so grateful for that and when I'm not I seem to be surrounded by mom’s who remind me. Currently we live and thrive in Ellensburg, Washington. It's pretty much in the middle of the state and a 180* from our life in Bellevue. We are here by God's grace and provision to reconnect as a family and quality education for both of us.
31 May 2012
05 May 2012
Maggie Lynn 2/18/2011-5/4/2012
My Maggie girl had to be put down yesterday. I took her into the doctor Monday because since the babies left on 4/20 she has been eating less and less. She was also having trouble keeping things down--- lots of "urps" and vomit.
So we went to the doctor and they felt she had an infection in her uterus. (The week previously she had been given antibiotic for possible kennel cough) A full blood workup was done at the appointment to see what was going on in more detail. The results came back Wednesday and were not good. ALL of her systems were out of whack. Kidney, liver, white blood cell, ect. When I heard this news I burst into tears---- my puppy girl was very sick. The doctors (who are totally fab btw) were optimistic that doing a full spay would really help and get things back on track. Kind of like the uterine infection was snowballing the other things. Maggie's spay was still on the books for Thursday.
Wednesday was sad. Maggie was having a hard time eating and just looked very sad. Thursday morning we woke up crazy early and I ate breakfast and we snuggled together while watching netflix. Fell asleep again and got up for her doctors appointment. My roomie was awesome in waking up early to get us there on time (7:30 am for college girls is early!) Maggie was really nervous once we got inside; it was almost like she knew this wasn't going to be the quick visit that they usually are. I, of course, am an anxious wreck. Hugs & loves and the passing of the leash and I have to leave her there. I know she is in good hands. The doctors are capable and love her. Maggie just has this magnetic connection with people <3 They tell me to call about 2pm and see how she is doing.
I can't call at 2pm to check on her because they have already called me at about 1pm. The call was not good. Instead of a small incision for the spay they had to wind up opening her from rib to kooka. What they found was really bad. Maggie had 7 babies, only 4 survived (one was a still birth, the other two passed away). Maggie's body kept all of the placenta's in her uterus. The placenta's had started to decompose inside of her uterus, causing the infection. This in itself was a very rare occurrence. If that wasn't bad enough, they had more "news" Maggie's kidney was entangled in a membrane that covers the organs and was twisted in her pancreas and they were pushing against her liver. Because of the position of her kidney they were not able to safely operate and remove her kidney. So they close her up after doing the spay.
I got to go visit my puppy girl Thursday afternoon---- She would have made Bob Marley look sober. I could only sit and give her love and soft words. She was very tired so my visit needed to be short. The decision would be to have her stay the night (with the on call doctor) for round the clock care. Maggie was in very critical condition. I had Joey pick me up and stayed with him so I wouldn't be alone.
(Side note: Joey has been so amazing! He has really been an amazing support and help. When I am overwhelmed he has stepped up and asked the questions or made the decisions. Definitely has been taking care of me-so weird!)
Friday morning I call the vet at about 8am to check on Mags. No update other than she made it through the night (yay!) the doctors are in surgery again and won't be available until about 3pm. Okay, stress til 3. I can do that. I call back about 10:30 to see I could stop by to see her. That wasn't going to be an option because of their schedule. Bummer, but okay I wait til 3 for the call.
I can't wait til 3pm. They called me early... again. The doctor called me with what sounded like tears on the verge of falling to say she has an update on Maggie and it's not good. This takes my breathe away. She tells me Maggie hasn't been able to eat or keep anything down. That in itself isn't good, and on top of her now known issues it's really not good. So they do an x-ray on her. The x-ray showed a softball size tumor in her chest. It's fatal. The size and position make it impossible for a successful surgery. The doctor was calling me to tell me that my puppy girl, my therapy dog, was dying and they can't do anything other than give her pain management medicine. Tears are now flowing down my face and I try to keep from sobbing. From the sounds of it, so is she. The office is the one who told me she was pregnant. They knew about Maggie since before I officially brought her home; they've been with me every step of the way.
I immediately try to get Joey---- can't. I try my therapist-----can't. I call my mommie friend V---- she answers in her ever cheery voice, I don't really remember talking with her other than crying and telling her the news. I am so scared and overwhelmed at this point. She gets me calm and provides love and comfort that only a mom with honest pure love can.
I get a hold of my roomie, she is on her way back to town, yes, she can come get me and take me to the vet. She has no idea what's happening. She pulls up and I have tears streaming down my face and Maggies blanket in my hand. She doesn't say anything; through tears I tell her the news. I can't bear to look at her. We get to the vet and I walk in--- they take me to the exam room and bring in my sick little puppy girl. She looks so sad. I burst into tears.
The next little bit is quite the blur of people and conversations and tears. All I know is I got to spend time petting and talking with my puppy girl. She is scared and anxious, that much is obvious. I talk to her and tell her she is my "so pretty". I hold her in my lap as tears fall off my face and dampen her fur. The doctor comes in and it's time for me to formally make that damn grown up decision to not let my puppy hurt anymore. They try to give her the injection while she's on the floor, it's not working, we try with me holding her, she is struggling too much to safely give her the injection. Finally we have to put her back on the table with the assistance of the staff they get her restrained enough to get the injection started. Instantly Maggie begins to calm. They let me hold her as they help her lay down. I'm crying and petting my puppy girl; after about 2 of the 6 measures of injection are in her heart stops. They keep going; they need to make sure she has enough medicine to make sure she is gone and won't be in pain any longer.
My puppy girl is gone. I feel like I killed her. I know this was the right thing, she shouldn't have to live in pain or a slow tortuous death. I'm sobbing and holding my sweet puppy with Joey and roomie surrounding her. I get the time I need to be with her and the doctor comes in to take a paw print of her for me.
I can't just leave her on the table. I just can't. So the doctor comes back in and with my okay gently scoops Maggie girl up like a sleeping baby and takes her out of the room. A new wave of sobs start. All I can do is walk out of the room with her soiled blankie, collar and leash. Maggie isn't coming home.
All I remember next is tears and sobs and difficulty breathing. Joey takes me to his house. Later that night we go get dinner with his parents--- it's nice to have a few minuets of normal. When we get home I message the foster family of Maggie's puppies. Carl is left.
I can't finish this now. I'm too upset. I'll start Carl's post later.
So we went to the doctor and they felt she had an infection in her uterus. (The week previously she had been given antibiotic for possible kennel cough) A full blood workup was done at the appointment to see what was going on in more detail. The results came back Wednesday and were not good. ALL of her systems were out of whack. Kidney, liver, white blood cell, ect. When I heard this news I burst into tears---- my puppy girl was very sick. The doctors (who are totally fab btw) were optimistic that doing a full spay would really help and get things back on track. Kind of like the uterine infection was snowballing the other things. Maggie's spay was still on the books for Thursday.
Wednesday was sad. Maggie was having a hard time eating and just looked very sad. Thursday morning we woke up crazy early and I ate breakfast and we snuggled together while watching netflix. Fell asleep again and got up for her doctors appointment. My roomie was awesome in waking up early to get us there on time (7:30 am for college girls is early!) Maggie was really nervous once we got inside; it was almost like she knew this wasn't going to be the quick visit that they usually are. I, of course, am an anxious wreck. Hugs & loves and the passing of the leash and I have to leave her there. I know she is in good hands. The doctors are capable and love her. Maggie just has this magnetic connection with people <3 They tell me to call about 2pm and see how she is doing.
I can't call at 2pm to check on her because they have already called me at about 1pm. The call was not good. Instead of a small incision for the spay they had to wind up opening her from rib to kooka. What they found was really bad. Maggie had 7 babies, only 4 survived (one was a still birth, the other two passed away). Maggie's body kept all of the placenta's in her uterus. The placenta's had started to decompose inside of her uterus, causing the infection. This in itself was a very rare occurrence. If that wasn't bad enough, they had more "news" Maggie's kidney was entangled in a membrane that covers the organs and was twisted in her pancreas and they were pushing against her liver. Because of the position of her kidney they were not able to safely operate and remove her kidney. So they close her up after doing the spay.
I got to go visit my puppy girl Thursday afternoon---- She would have made Bob Marley look sober. I could only sit and give her love and soft words. She was very tired so my visit needed to be short. The decision would be to have her stay the night (with the on call doctor) for round the clock care. Maggie was in very critical condition. I had Joey pick me up and stayed with him so I wouldn't be alone.
(Side note: Joey has been so amazing! He has really been an amazing support and help. When I am overwhelmed he has stepped up and asked the questions or made the decisions. Definitely has been taking care of me-so weird!)
Friday morning I call the vet at about 8am to check on Mags. No update other than she made it through the night (yay!) the doctors are in surgery again and won't be available until about 3pm. Okay, stress til 3. I can do that. I call back about 10:30 to see I could stop by to see her. That wasn't going to be an option because of their schedule. Bummer, but okay I wait til 3 for the call.
I can't wait til 3pm. They called me early... again. The doctor called me with what sounded like tears on the verge of falling to say she has an update on Maggie and it's not good. This takes my breathe away. She tells me Maggie hasn't been able to eat or keep anything down. That in itself isn't good, and on top of her now known issues it's really not good. So they do an x-ray on her. The x-ray showed a softball size tumor in her chest. It's fatal. The size and position make it impossible for a successful surgery. The doctor was calling me to tell me that my puppy girl, my therapy dog, was dying and they can't do anything other than give her pain management medicine. Tears are now flowing down my face and I try to keep from sobbing. From the sounds of it, so is she. The office is the one who told me she was pregnant. They knew about Maggie since before I officially brought her home; they've been with me every step of the way.
I immediately try to get Joey---- can't. I try my therapist-----can't. I call my mommie friend V---- she answers in her ever cheery voice, I don't really remember talking with her other than crying and telling her the news. I am so scared and overwhelmed at this point. She gets me calm and provides love and comfort that only a mom with honest pure love can.
I get a hold of my roomie, she is on her way back to town, yes, she can come get me and take me to the vet. She has no idea what's happening. She pulls up and I have tears streaming down my face and Maggies blanket in my hand. She doesn't say anything; through tears I tell her the news. I can't bear to look at her. We get to the vet and I walk in--- they take me to the exam room and bring in my sick little puppy girl. She looks so sad. I burst into tears.
The next little bit is quite the blur of people and conversations and tears. All I know is I got to spend time petting and talking with my puppy girl. She is scared and anxious, that much is obvious. I talk to her and tell her she is my "so pretty". I hold her in my lap as tears fall off my face and dampen her fur. The doctor comes in and it's time for me to formally make that damn grown up decision to not let my puppy hurt anymore. They try to give her the injection while she's on the floor, it's not working, we try with me holding her, she is struggling too much to safely give her the injection. Finally we have to put her back on the table with the assistance of the staff they get her restrained enough to get the injection started. Instantly Maggie begins to calm. They let me hold her as they help her lay down. I'm crying and petting my puppy girl; after about 2 of the 6 measures of injection are in her heart stops. They keep going; they need to make sure she has enough medicine to make sure she is gone and won't be in pain any longer.
My puppy girl is gone. I feel like I killed her. I know this was the right thing, she shouldn't have to live in pain or a slow tortuous death. I'm sobbing and holding my sweet puppy with Joey and roomie surrounding her. I get the time I need to be with her and the doctor comes in to take a paw print of her for me.
I can't just leave her on the table. I just can't. So the doctor comes back in and with my okay gently scoops Maggie girl up like a sleeping baby and takes her out of the room. A new wave of sobs start. All I can do is walk out of the room with her soiled blankie, collar and leash. Maggie isn't coming home.
All I remember next is tears and sobs and difficulty breathing. Joey takes me to his house. Later that night we go get dinner with his parents--- it's nice to have a few minuets of normal. When we get home I message the foster family of Maggie's puppies. Carl is left.
I can't finish this now. I'm too upset. I'll start Carl's post later.
20 April 2012
Just a very sad day :'-(
The puppies turned 6 weeks old today. Zoey, the female puppy, went with her new people today. She has been adopted into a wonderful home with a little girl, little boy, mom, dad and bunnies. The aura that mom gives off is so beautiful. Zoey is definitely going to be loved and taken care of. The boys got dropped off at the local pet store. The owners of the pet store will be fostering them at home for another week or so then they will be finding them appropriate homes. I thought I would be okay with this and it wouldn't be hard. I mean, the puppies weren't planned and I *know* I can't keep them where I am now and don't have the financial stability to do that either. Dropping the boys off was one of the hardest things I've done.
I know in my heart partnering with the owners of the pet store and Zoey's new family was the right decision but wow, my heart is cracking and I feel so empty. My room is nearly empty again, now that both the whelping boxes are gone and the extra puppy stuff is gone.
The story of the puppies is really symbolic and hard for me. Most of you know I found out I was pregnant after I had broken up with K's dad. Obviously I went through with the pregnancy. K's dad continued his affair and his at the time girlfriend, then wife, currently ex-wife, was pregnant. Lots more goes into that story; but the short version is K's dad had 3 boys and a girl with 2 lost babies. This is the exact same for Maggies litter.
To be completely honest and blunt none of the 3 of us (myself, my ex and the current ex wife) should have had any of those babies. We were not ready, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, in any way. We all went ahead and had our babies. Life has been rough, for all of us and all the kids.
I found out Maggie was pregnant after I had adopted her. I knew the puppies needed to be adopted out from the get go. I took Maggie to the vet and monitored her pregnancy, gave her the best food, was very careful with her, did everything "right". The night she went into labor was so scary---- I had no idea what to do or expect (youtube sucks btw) I was alone for yet another birth. Maggie was awesome! She did just what she was supposed to. Everything came so naturally for her. She was smiling her doggie smile from ear to ear. Finally all the babies are born; one is still born (discovered early am) having to be a grown up and deal with it was very sad. Maggie was very protective and confused. She was staying with her babies, feeding them, cleaning them, protecting them. She was a natural! This was emotionally hard for me to watch---- I don't have the maternal gene.
So the puppies finally left today. Joey came with and was awesome. I barely make it to the car before the tears start pouring out. It was really hard to just leave them behind. They weren't my babies. But still I had to leave them behind and it hurts.
On top of the puppies leaving today; I found out the state took $1100 out of my bank account. I knew it was an option, but I had zero notice. Since K has been out of the home I have a monthly financial obligation--- cool, okay, no problem. Except I have ZERO money to pay for it! When K was with me I got assistance with food and child support from K's dad. Between that and Student loans I was surviving. Now I am literally without money until June when summer refunds come out. Typically it's not enough to cover my expenses. I am so scared. There has to be a good reason and plan for all of this I just have no idea what it is. I reached out to a friend and requested prayer---- she answered it with a blessing. I hate having to accept gifts. I'm embarrassed and scared.
Today is a very sad day.
I know in my heart partnering with the owners of the pet store and Zoey's new family was the right decision but wow, my heart is cracking and I feel so empty. My room is nearly empty again, now that both the whelping boxes are gone and the extra puppy stuff is gone.
The story of the puppies is really symbolic and hard for me. Most of you know I found out I was pregnant after I had broken up with K's dad. Obviously I went through with the pregnancy. K's dad continued his affair and his at the time girlfriend, then wife, currently ex-wife, was pregnant. Lots more goes into that story; but the short version is K's dad had 3 boys and a girl with 2 lost babies. This is the exact same for Maggies litter.
To be completely honest and blunt none of the 3 of us (myself, my ex and the current ex wife) should have had any of those babies. We were not ready, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, in any way. We all went ahead and had our babies. Life has been rough, for all of us and all the kids.
I found out Maggie was pregnant after I had adopted her. I knew the puppies needed to be adopted out from the get go. I took Maggie to the vet and monitored her pregnancy, gave her the best food, was very careful with her, did everything "right". The night she went into labor was so scary---- I had no idea what to do or expect (youtube sucks btw) I was alone for yet another birth. Maggie was awesome! She did just what she was supposed to. Everything came so naturally for her. She was smiling her doggie smile from ear to ear. Finally all the babies are born; one is still born (discovered early am) having to be a grown up and deal with it was very sad. Maggie was very protective and confused. She was staying with her babies, feeding them, cleaning them, protecting them. She was a natural! This was emotionally hard for me to watch---- I don't have the maternal gene.
So the puppies finally left today. Joey came with and was awesome. I barely make it to the car before the tears start pouring out. It was really hard to just leave them behind. They weren't my babies. But still I had to leave them behind and it hurts.
On top of the puppies leaving today; I found out the state took $1100 out of my bank account. I knew it was an option, but I had zero notice. Since K has been out of the home I have a monthly financial obligation--- cool, okay, no problem. Except I have ZERO money to pay for it! When K was with me I got assistance with food and child support from K's dad. Between that and Student loans I was surviving. Now I am literally without money until June when summer refunds come out. Typically it's not enough to cover my expenses. I am so scared. There has to be a good reason and plan for all of this I just have no idea what it is. I reached out to a friend and requested prayer---- she answered it with a blessing. I hate having to accept gifts. I'm embarrassed and scared.
Today is a very sad day.
10 April 2012
Exhausted
There is just soooooo much hatred! Everywhere!
The negativity and hatred and attacking nature of people is just exhausting. I am feeling really worn down again. I'm discouraged by it because I've been feeling better. I feel like I can't "win" or get "approval" regardless of what I choose. Big decisions or little.
I just woke up so exhausted I didn't make it to class. I'm really trying to do what I feel is in the best interest as the situation calls for (K, puppies, school, standing up to Dan, ect) No matter what I do it seems it's either "wrong" or gets critiqued--- by people who's opinions I value and those I don't. Big things and little--- like Beckley saying I waited "so long to report" because it was 18 hours later.
It's just so draining! I want some sense of closure---- on anything. I have no idea what's going on with K and my fathers posts have become really cryptic again
The negativity and hatred and attacking nature of people is just exhausting. I am feeling really worn down again. I'm discouraged by it because I've been feeling better. I feel like I can't "win" or get "approval" regardless of what I choose. Big decisions or little.
I just woke up so exhausted I didn't make it to class. I'm really trying to do what I feel is in the best interest as the situation calls for (K, puppies, school, standing up to Dan, ect) No matter what I do it seems it's either "wrong" or gets critiqued--- by people who's opinions I value and those I don't. Big things and little--- like Beckley saying I waited "so long to report" because it was 18 hours later.
It's just so draining! I want some sense of closure---- on anything. I have no idea what's going on with K and my fathers posts have become really cryptic again
10 March 2012
"Well, at least now it's over" but why it's really not
I am so angry! I am scared. I am confused.
This week I faced my rapist in court. What was expected to be a "quick, one day trial and one day for closing/deliberation" turned out to be a three day nightmare. Tuesday went from 9am-4:30pm, Wednesday was 9am-5pm and Thursday went from 9am until 6:30pm. I spent about 6 hours on the stand. Being hammered over and over about what happened. What did I say? Where did I stand? Why did I xxxx? Why didn't I xxxx? Why! Why! Why! The defense attorney spent a good deal of time making fun of my ability to speak as an educated almost 30 year old woman. Ridiculing my weight, size, shape. Relationship statuses. By choosing to face my attacker in court I had to relieve one of the most horrid moments of my life, second by second. Analyzing my every move. The defense attempting to confuse me, imply alternate reasoning for my actions, tell me- the victim- my instinct to run was wrong.
At the end of the trial my rapist was found technically not guilty. God dammit those words are so hard to write. Two little words, easy to spell, easy to say, heavy meaning when put together. My rapist, the man who attacked me with the assistance of his friends was found not guilty. He cannot be tried again. He will not face punishment for what he did to me. I have no legal recourse. My only consolation is attempting to obtain a Sexual Assault Protection Order. The only way it affects my attacker is giving me a legal "bubble" of 500 feet around my home at all times and my school. I am brutally attacked by a male whose trade profession requires strength and I get to wave a piece of paper at him that tells him to "go away". How many bullets has paper stopped? How many knives? Stab wounds? Verbal harassment? I'm guessing not many; I have a temporary order and am pursuing a permanent order. At this point it's the only thing I have to protect me. The court date for the long term SAPO is March 19th. That is another day when "it's over". I will have an answer about the protection that can be offered to me.
It's over. IT'S OVER! It's over? what does that mean? Does that mean the fear is released? Does that mean I am no longer scarred from the attack? Is all of this a distant memory?
It is so far from over. It's not over because I have a paralyzing fear of leaving my house alone. It's not over because I wake up in tears or cold sweats. It's not over because I still jump three feet in the air when I am touched unexpectedly. It's not over because I can't feel the love coming from a soothing touch of my boyfriend. It's not over because every time I leave my house I feel the need to have my phone in my hand, my keys close by and a rape whistle near my mouth. It's not over because I fear of retaliation---- my attacker was interrogated, charged, taken into custody and spent 10 days in jail to hear that a pool of 12 community members found him technically "not guilty". It's not over because I can't sleep at night without fear of his face; without fear of flashbacks.
It's not over because it's not about just me. On September 17th 2011 when he decided he could dominate me he forever changed my life and my son's life. "RAPE", "SEXUAL ASSAULT" will never be just words to my son if he ever hears about what happened. Stepping forward and reporting what happened had a lot to do with my son. (to be clear my son was no where near the incident and to my knowledge hasn't heard about this yet) An adult male saw a female and made the choice to TAKE what he wanted without thought to consequence. I couldn't imagine sending my son the message that was okay for him to do in any context. By not saying anything I was telling my attacker it was okay for him to take what he wanted, it was okay to disrespect another human being and there would be no consequences because he, in that moment, had the strength and power. The defense attorney argued that "all of this" was done for attention. I wanted more attention! That my feelings got hurt when my attacker didn't respond to my advances. I wanted to "get him back" Hearing him argue that was so upsetting and couldn't have been farther from the truth. Within two hours of the attack more than 25 text messages had been sent, many with explicit or subliminal requests to keep this quiet and between the sender and myself.
This is far from over. The event itself is over. The local police investigation is over. The court trial is over. The pain; the scars; the nightmares; the strength I have to find is far from over. You, my attacker have brought the battle to your own feet. Justice comes in many forms, because it didn't prevail in a courtroom does not mean it's over and does not mean you will not get what you deserve. So no, it's not over.
This week I faced my rapist in court. What was expected to be a "quick, one day trial and one day for closing/deliberation" turned out to be a three day nightmare. Tuesday went from 9am-4:30pm, Wednesday was 9am-5pm and Thursday went from 9am until 6:30pm. I spent about 6 hours on the stand. Being hammered over and over about what happened. What did I say? Where did I stand? Why did I xxxx? Why didn't I xxxx? Why! Why! Why! The defense attorney spent a good deal of time making fun of my ability to speak as an educated almost 30 year old woman. Ridiculing my weight, size, shape. Relationship statuses. By choosing to face my attacker in court I had to relieve one of the most horrid moments of my life, second by second. Analyzing my every move. The defense attempting to confuse me, imply alternate reasoning for my actions, tell me- the victim- my instinct to run was wrong.
At the end of the trial my rapist was found technically not guilty. God dammit those words are so hard to write. Two little words, easy to spell, easy to say, heavy meaning when put together. My rapist, the man who attacked me with the assistance of his friends was found not guilty. He cannot be tried again. He will not face punishment for what he did to me. I have no legal recourse. My only consolation is attempting to obtain a Sexual Assault Protection Order. The only way it affects my attacker is giving me a legal "bubble" of 500 feet around my home at all times and my school. I am brutally attacked by a male whose trade profession requires strength and I get to wave a piece of paper at him that tells him to "go away". How many bullets has paper stopped? How many knives? Stab wounds? Verbal harassment? I'm guessing not many; I have a temporary order and am pursuing a permanent order. At this point it's the only thing I have to protect me. The court date for the long term SAPO is March 19th. That is another day when "it's over". I will have an answer about the protection that can be offered to me.
It's over. IT'S OVER! It's over? what does that mean? Does that mean the fear is released? Does that mean I am no longer scarred from the attack? Is all of this a distant memory?
It is so far from over. It's not over because I have a paralyzing fear of leaving my house alone. It's not over because I wake up in tears or cold sweats. It's not over because I still jump three feet in the air when I am touched unexpectedly. It's not over because I can't feel the love coming from a soothing touch of my boyfriend. It's not over because every time I leave my house I feel the need to have my phone in my hand, my keys close by and a rape whistle near my mouth. It's not over because I fear of retaliation---- my attacker was interrogated, charged, taken into custody and spent 10 days in jail to hear that a pool of 12 community members found him technically "not guilty". It's not over because I can't sleep at night without fear of his face; without fear of flashbacks.
It's not over because it's not about just me. On September 17th 2011 when he decided he could dominate me he forever changed my life and my son's life. "RAPE", "SEXUAL ASSAULT" will never be just words to my son if he ever hears about what happened. Stepping forward and reporting what happened had a lot to do with my son. (to be clear my son was no where near the incident and to my knowledge hasn't heard about this yet) An adult male saw a female and made the choice to TAKE what he wanted without thought to consequence. I couldn't imagine sending my son the message that was okay for him to do in any context. By not saying anything I was telling my attacker it was okay for him to take what he wanted, it was okay to disrespect another human being and there would be no consequences because he, in that moment, had the strength and power. The defense attorney argued that "all of this" was done for attention. I wanted more attention! That my feelings got hurt when my attacker didn't respond to my advances. I wanted to "get him back" Hearing him argue that was so upsetting and couldn't have been farther from the truth. Within two hours of the attack more than 25 text messages had been sent, many with explicit or subliminal requests to keep this quiet and between the sender and myself.
This is far from over. The event itself is over. The local police investigation is over. The court trial is over. The pain; the scars; the nightmares; the strength I have to find is far from over. You, my attacker have brought the battle to your own feet. Justice comes in many forms, because it didn't prevail in a courtroom does not mean it's over and does not mean you will not get what you deserve. So no, it's not over.
23 February 2012
Maggie's Story
Maggie Lynn is my adopted rescue pup. She is a Pembroke Welsh Corgie with a beautiful fawn (red/blond) coat. She has beautiful markings and white socks on all her feet. She also has a white chest/belly.
Maggie is my therapeutic aid. She is designed to assist in reducing depression and anxiety. She works! Love my puppy girl so much. I went through the proper channels at CWU to get her "legal" to live with me in my campus apartment. Maggie came home on February 1st, 2012.
Maggie came to me from a rescue situation. I don't know how accurate the information I have is but I will share it as I know it. Maggie was rescued Christmas Eve from a hoarder, Fran. Fran was hoarding items as well as 25+ Corgies. What I was told is someone heard about the number of dogs Fran had and called it in; she then took the dogs to friends and neighbors to avoid being in trouble. From the home Maggie got dumped at she was taken to another home as temporary placement. I believe the temporary home is Fran's daughter. I made a post on a facebook community page saying I was looking for a therapy pup. Someone approached me saying they had a Corgie that needed a forever home and since she would be a therapy pup they wouldn't charge me anything. Yahoo! So excited. Met Maggie on a Monday, instantly fell in love- both ways <3- and Wednesday she came home.
Maggie settled in quite well considering she hadn't had any training or social skills. Taking extra time and patience with her she is adapting quite well to apartment life and leash restrictions. Between finances and schedules I was able to take Maggie to the vet on February 22, 2012. This was intended to be a routine visit, check her out and verify health. After weighing her a staff member commented that she had quite the pot belly. I explained what and how much I'd been feeding her and her prior living situation. The vet walked in and said "oh! She's pregnant. "
My jaw dropped. What? Are you kidding me? Dr. Val took her stethoscope and listened.... sure enough Maggie is pregnant. Without having her medical history there isn't a way to verify how far along she is but the vet's guess was about halfway.
So now I have a pregnant pup. I didn't feel comfortable doing the doggie abortion/spay procedure so Maggie will be a mommie soon! I have no clue what to do or how this will all work out but it will.
If you are interested in getting a Maggie baby please let me know. The only fees/costs I am asking for it what the vet will quote me for the first visit(s), shots and a portion of the puppy food I will need to purchase. You in turn will receive vet paperwork, and a statement from me with Maggies story, food brand/quantity for pups, and that my house is clean, smoke/drug/alcohol free.
Maggie is my therapeutic aid. She is designed to assist in reducing depression and anxiety. She works! Love my puppy girl so much. I went through the proper channels at CWU to get her "legal" to live with me in my campus apartment. Maggie came home on February 1st, 2012.
Maggie came to me from a rescue situation. I don't know how accurate the information I have is but I will share it as I know it. Maggie was rescued Christmas Eve from a hoarder, Fran. Fran was hoarding items as well as 25+ Corgies. What I was told is someone heard about the number of dogs Fran had and called it in; she then took the dogs to friends and neighbors to avoid being in trouble. From the home Maggie got dumped at she was taken to another home as temporary placement. I believe the temporary home is Fran's daughter. I made a post on a facebook community page saying I was looking for a therapy pup. Someone approached me saying they had a Corgie that needed a forever home and since she would be a therapy pup they wouldn't charge me anything. Yahoo! So excited. Met Maggie on a Monday, instantly fell in love- both ways <3- and Wednesday she came home.
Maggie settled in quite well considering she hadn't had any training or social skills. Taking extra time and patience with her she is adapting quite well to apartment life and leash restrictions. Between finances and schedules I was able to take Maggie to the vet on February 22, 2012. This was intended to be a routine visit, check her out and verify health. After weighing her a staff member commented that she had quite the pot belly. I explained what and how much I'd been feeding her and her prior living situation. The vet walked in and said "oh! She's pregnant. "
My jaw dropped. What? Are you kidding me? Dr. Val took her stethoscope and listened.... sure enough Maggie is pregnant. Without having her medical history there isn't a way to verify how far along she is but the vet's guess was about halfway.
So now I have a pregnant pup. I didn't feel comfortable doing the doggie abortion/spay procedure so Maggie will be a mommie soon! I have no clue what to do or how this will all work out but it will.
If you are interested in getting a Maggie baby please let me know. The only fees/costs I am asking for it what the vet will quote me for the first visit(s), shots and a portion of the puppy food I will need to purchase. You in turn will receive vet paperwork, and a statement from me with Maggies story, food brand/quantity for pups, and that my house is clean, smoke/drug/alcohol free.
26 January 2012
I can't hold it in anymore... here's an update
This is a really hard to write about. Please don't judge me. Please don't listen to things others are saying about what has happened or what is happening. There are some people who feel. my business is theirs to discuss. If you have questions PLEASE let me know.... I am willing to sit down and talk with you.
So here goes:
Keola isn't going to be coming home with me. He is going to be adopted by the foster family he is currently living with and has been living with for the past year. This decision is tearing me up inside and was not made lightly. The family he is living with was not an adoptable home. When discussions were had about options a few months back adoption/relinquishment was brought up. IMMEDIATELY foster mom - FM- (names will not be said to respect privacy) said they would love to have Keola join their forever family. At the last court appearance (December) FM and her mom "Gramma" came and she spoke. It brought me to tears. She spoke from such a place of love and protection for Keola. As much as this decision hurts I feel it's right for him.
I can't say I "know" what is right because I don't think there is a right/wrong in this situation but I feel like it is what best for him--- That's all I care about--- giving him the chance to have a healthy and successful life.
Dad has been MIA for basically the entire year. The random occasions he's been able to be reached he has been full of blame and excuses. Bottom line he has done nothing and his rights are in the process of termination. Once the court signs off dad will have no legal contact for Keola.
As for me, it will be what's called "relinquishment" and have an open adoption. I will have no legal rights/authority over Keola however I will have an agreement between foster parents and myself. I have no clue what the details are at this point. I do know the foster family is very supportive and willing to stay in contact provided I am not a mess (drinking/drugging/other crappy choices).
I'm really feeling over the edge today because it was confirmed that on 2/14 aka Valentines Day aka the day of love aka shower the people you love with stuff to show them you love them will be the day that I will be having a meeting with Keola to tell him he is not going to come home with me. I will not be doing this alone, my therapist and a bonding/attachment specialist will be there.
I HATE IT! I've had so many "special days" get ruined by stuff.... I hate that I'm having to do this to him.
I'm so scared. I'm so worried about him. My anxiety and depression is off the charts right now. (yes, I'm still taking my meds) I'm so broken right now.
Well, I guess that's all for right now.
So here goes:
Keola isn't going to be coming home with me. He is going to be adopted by the foster family he is currently living with and has been living with for the past year. This decision is tearing me up inside and was not made lightly. The family he is living with was not an adoptable home. When discussions were had about options a few months back adoption/relinquishment was brought up. IMMEDIATELY foster mom - FM- (names will not be said to respect privacy) said they would love to have Keola join their forever family. At the last court appearance (December) FM and her mom "Gramma" came and she spoke. It brought me to tears. She spoke from such a place of love and protection for Keola. As much as this decision hurts I feel it's right for him.
I can't say I "know" what is right because I don't think there is a right/wrong in this situation but I feel like it is what best for him--- That's all I care about--- giving him the chance to have a healthy and successful life.
Dad has been MIA for basically the entire year. The random occasions he's been able to be reached he has been full of blame and excuses. Bottom line he has done nothing and his rights are in the process of termination. Once the court signs off dad will have no legal contact for Keola.
As for me, it will be what's called "relinquishment" and have an open adoption. I will have no legal rights/authority over Keola however I will have an agreement between foster parents and myself. I have no clue what the details are at this point. I do know the foster family is very supportive and willing to stay in contact provided I am not a mess (drinking/drugging/other crappy choices).
I'm really feeling over the edge today because it was confirmed that on 2/14 aka Valentines Day aka the day of love aka shower the people you love with stuff to show them you love them will be the day that I will be having a meeting with Keola to tell him he is not going to come home with me. I will not be doing this alone, my therapist and a bonding/attachment specialist will be there.
I HATE IT! I've had so many "special days" get ruined by stuff.... I hate that I'm having to do this to him.
I'm so scared. I'm so worried about him. My anxiety and depression is off the charts right now. (yes, I'm still taking my meds) I'm so broken right now.
Well, I guess that's all for right now.
13 December 2011
13 Dec 2011- Court and other stuff
Family court was today. It happens about every 6 months for status hearings. I am not quite ready to write about the decisions being made but today was where my intentions became formalized.
Attorneys and service providers all gave status updates and their opinion on what should happen. Today was very accurate (not usually the case)it was really hard to hear though.
They speak in "Mom is xxxxx" "Father is xxxx" today it was reported I am fully engaged and in ccompliance with services and progress is being made. Obviously I was in the room so that was noted as well. K's dad did not show up. His attorney was there but only to report minimal communication with him and zero communication in two months plus.
Foster mom and Grandma showed up; foster mom was given a chance to speak and she took advantage of that. She spoke so true from the heart and a place of love. VERY hard to hear, but she was spot on. She commented on K's placement and progress; my interactions when they are present then began to say how disappointed and discouraged they are with his dads actions. She mentioned his absence and lack of effort is affecting K and her request to have him terminated.
All in all emotionally exhausting. Next big stuff is happening early/mid Jan. About that time I can go into more detail. As always, if you have questions or want to talk please call me. I am willing to talk/answer openly and honestly.
Sexual assault
Trial is still set for the 20th of this month. The assistant to the prosecutor indicated that "the guy" is "nervous about going to trial" but the plea is off the table. I go in on the 15th for a pre-trial prep. Very nervous. When I reported what he did I rang a bell that cannot be unrung. Really difficult to stay strong and follow through. Very anxious about facing him.
Attorneys and service providers all gave status updates and their opinion on what should happen. Today was very accurate (not usually the case)it was really hard to hear though.
They speak in "Mom is xxxxx" "Father is xxxx" today it was reported I am fully engaged and in ccompliance with services and progress is being made. Obviously I was in the room so that was noted as well. K's dad did not show up. His attorney was there but only to report minimal communication with him and zero communication in two months plus.
Foster mom and Grandma showed up; foster mom was given a chance to speak and she took advantage of that. She spoke so true from the heart and a place of love. VERY hard to hear, but she was spot on. She commented on K's placement and progress; my interactions when they are present then began to say how disappointed and discouraged they are with his dads actions. She mentioned his absence and lack of effort is affecting K and her request to have him terminated.
All in all emotionally exhausting. Next big stuff is happening early/mid Jan. About that time I can go into more detail. As always, if you have questions or want to talk please call me. I am willing to talk/answer openly and honestly.
Sexual assault
Trial is still set for the 20th of this month. The assistant to the prosecutor indicated that "the guy" is "nervous about going to trial" but the plea is off the table. I go in on the 15th for a pre-trial prep. Very nervous. When I reported what he did I rang a bell that cannot be unrung. Really difficult to stay strong and follow through. Very anxious about facing him.
27 November 2011
Vague and Cryptic Update
Pretty much.
So there is A LOT going on right now and the last month or so. Decisions are being made about Keola and myself, I am a major part in them. Due to the time frames and sensitive nature I am not comfortable writing about it or going into a lot of detail "publicly" (meaning FB/email). Court for Keola is 13 December and is a status hearing. Possibly will be able to share more details then.
Some of you know but most don't, 17 September 2011 I was very violently sexually assaulted. I did go to the police the following day and reported what happened. Since then the legal process has begun and has been incredibly traumatic. Court for this is scheduled 20 December. Some basics: One of the "men" that assaulted me was taken into custody; approx 10 days later he was released on bail with a no contact order and suspension from CWU (he was a student at the time of the assault). As far as I know, he is relocated (temporarily?) to Gig Harbour with his parents. The three other "men" have not been charged, yet.
Joey. Yep! I have a boyfriend :-) I have known Joey basically since I moved to Ellensburg. My first job in Eburg was in a law office for his older brother James, that's how I met Joey. We have been friends the whole time. Sometime earlier this year I started seeing him in a different light. He makes me smile and laugh and feel good about myself. He has been amazing during all of the junk.
As always, please feel free to call or email me and we can chat more in detail. I appreciate the support and love that you all continue to show me and mine.
So there is A LOT going on right now and the last month or so. Decisions are being made about Keola and myself, I am a major part in them. Due to the time frames and sensitive nature I am not comfortable writing about it or going into a lot of detail "publicly" (meaning FB/email). Court for Keola is 13 December and is a status hearing. Possibly will be able to share more details then.
Some of you know but most don't, 17 September 2011 I was very violently sexually assaulted. I did go to the police the following day and reported what happened. Since then the legal process has begun and has been incredibly traumatic. Court for this is scheduled 20 December. Some basics: One of the "men" that assaulted me was taken into custody; approx 10 days later he was released on bail with a no contact order and suspension from CWU (he was a student at the time of the assault). As far as I know, he is relocated (temporarily?) to Gig Harbour with his parents. The three other "men" have not been charged, yet.
Joey. Yep! I have a boyfriend :-) I have known Joey basically since I moved to Ellensburg. My first job in Eburg was in a law office for his older brother James, that's how I met Joey. We have been friends the whole time. Sometime earlier this year I started seeing him in a different light. He makes me smile and laugh and feel good about myself. He has been amazing during all of the junk.
As always, please feel free to call or email me and we can chat more in detail. I appreciate the support and love that you all continue to show me and mine.
31 July 2011
I'm scared
It's been a while since I've written. A lot has been going on, but nothing major. Haha, it's this all major? Oh well, so since I've written last I was completed from center based treatment for alcohol dependency. Big deal and not a big deal. I've been having to look at me and my using behaviors a bit closer in several settings; DV counseling, mental health counseling, school. I've been sober, (as of today, 260 days) distance from crisis and basically doing a detox and working with professionals I'm gaining mental clarity. It is so hard reading articles and information about stages of alcoholism, the road of abuse, the subtleties that aren't normally seen.
My heart hurts seeing how obviously I was struggling and abusing alcohol. How blatantly I was screaming for help yet not knowing how to ask for it. I don't blame others. I am here because of my own choices. Researching this stuff has opened my eyes to potential warning signs and ways to talk without blame. It hurts seeing how obvious it all was yet so hidden.
I guess that's all for now.
My heart hurts seeing how obviously I was struggling and abusing alcohol. How blatantly I was screaming for help yet not knowing how to ask for it. I don't blame others. I am here because of my own choices. Researching this stuff has opened my eyes to potential warning signs and ways to talk without blame. It hurts seeing how obvious it all was yet so hidden.
I guess that's all for now.
08 June 2011
Loveable Labels BlogHer '11 Getaway Contest
Mommabilities: Can one person make a difference?
I love this question, the easy answer is "yes! of course" That's what we're taught as children yes? One person can do amazing things. One person can smile at you and send your heart racing. One little unborn person can affect literally thousands. One person can find the strength to say "enough" in a harmful situation. One person can change the future.
What happens though when one person doesn't have the voice that can be used to ask for help? Where is the line between "strong" and "strong enough to be weak"?
The last seven months I've felt as if I'm living in a snow globe. Everyone can see in, I can see out. I can move and do things within my bubble but I don't really have any control over my world. At any moment someone can come by and shake things up and I'm left to re-settle and figure out which way is up through the haze of snow falling.
Seven months ago my world got shaken; hard. Alcohol abuse, depression and a drastic need for an intervention came to light. My beautiful son went to live with some loving people who can give him the support he needs that I can't give him while I get the help I need. My heart breaks daily! My will and determination to be STRONG caused my world to shatter in a million unrecognizable pieces. My strength was gone. I pushed so hard my strength had to come from my weakness. I had to accept that mommabilities aren't something you have by being just one person. Being strong isn't about being alone. The reason I'm sitting here (in tears with aching heart) is because one person loved my family enough to call one person. That one person cared enough to call one person, so on and so forth.
I'm sitting here just shy of seven months sobriety. I'm working with one person at a time to work on gaining skills to be the healthy mom, woman,student, friend, advocate I deserve to be and people deserve to have in their lives. The love and generosity of one person has been amazing. They don't see me as a failure; they see me as someone of value. They see a desire to change and move forward. I see a desire to change and move forward. I have this drive to prevent my story from being a part of somebody else. I want to be one person who makes a difference. If it's a call to say "I'm her, I care.e for you", an advocate at CWU for other student parents, if I can encourage another strong woman to say "enough" to a bad situation then my journey as one person hasn't been in vain.
One person can change the world. One person who has the gift of "mommabilities" can be the difference. What is important to hold so close to our hearts is that we, woman, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, aunts, encourage strength in vulnerability. The beauty of strength that comes with weakness.
To the amazing woman in my life:
Alia: You literally saved my life that night. I'm here because you loved me enough to call for help.
Miss V: The loving hugs, supportive and tough love words keep me pushing through.
Heather: Your story and encouragement mean so much. Thank you for being my sponsor.
DixieLee and Aeimee: Our friendships are still young, but the unwavering love you've shown is such a testament to the strength of women and friendship.
To the any more un-named: I love you. I'm so glad you haven't walked away from me. The honesty of your words and actions mean more than I would ever say. There is no way I can show my true gratitude for the support that is there whether I ask for it or not. Thank you.
Happiness is waiting.
I love this question, the easy answer is "yes! of course" That's what we're taught as children yes? One person can do amazing things. One person can smile at you and send your heart racing. One little unborn person can affect literally thousands. One person can find the strength to say "enough" in a harmful situation. One person can change the future.
What happens though when one person doesn't have the voice that can be used to ask for help? Where is the line between "strong" and "strong enough to be weak"?
The last seven months I've felt as if I'm living in a snow globe. Everyone can see in, I can see out. I can move and do things within my bubble but I don't really have any control over my world. At any moment someone can come by and shake things up and I'm left to re-settle and figure out which way is up through the haze of snow falling.
Seven months ago my world got shaken; hard. Alcohol abuse, depression and a drastic need for an intervention came to light. My beautiful son went to live with some loving people who can give him the support he needs that I can't give him while I get the help I need. My heart breaks daily! My will and determination to be STRONG caused my world to shatter in a million unrecognizable pieces. My strength was gone. I pushed so hard my strength had to come from my weakness. I had to accept that mommabilities aren't something you have by being just one person. Being strong isn't about being alone. The reason I'm sitting here (in tears with aching heart) is because one person loved my family enough to call one person. That one person cared enough to call one person, so on and so forth.
I'm sitting here just shy of seven months sobriety. I'm working with one person at a time to work on gaining skills to be the healthy mom, woman,student, friend, advocate I deserve to be and people deserve to have in their lives. The love and generosity of one person has been amazing. They don't see me as a failure; they see me as someone of value. They see a desire to change and move forward. I see a desire to change and move forward. I have this drive to prevent my story from being a part of somebody else. I want to be one person who makes a difference. If it's a call to say "I'm her, I care.e for you", an advocate at CWU for other student parents, if I can encourage another strong woman to say "enough" to a bad situation then my journey as one person hasn't been in vain.
One person can change the world. One person who has the gift of "mommabilities" can be the difference. What is important to hold so close to our hearts is that we, woman, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, aunts, encourage strength in vulnerability. The beauty of strength that comes with weakness.
To the amazing woman in my life:
Alia: You literally saved my life that night. I'm here because you loved me enough to call for help.
Miss V: The loving hugs, supportive and tough love words keep me pushing through.
Heather: Your story and encouragement mean so much. Thank you for being my sponsor.
DixieLee and Aeimee: Our friendships are still young, but the unwavering love you've shown is such a testament to the strength of women and friendship.
To the any more un-named: I love you. I'm so glad you haven't walked away from me. The honesty of your words and actions mean more than I would ever say. There is no way I can show my true gratitude for the support that is there whether I ask for it or not. Thank you.
Happiness is waiting.
27 May 2011
Thoughts from my heart while tuning out my boring prof.
I want to skip Friday night date night tonight. Thinking this way I feel like shit. Why can't I talk to my son? I yell, he's upset and I'm upset. I talk and he's upset, because he gets upset I get confused and upset. When I fight with him we're unhappy. I ask and give chances and get little to no response, we're unhappy.
I asked for help from a "professional" I get a blank stare. I say in plain language I need help. I'm not doing well..... Silence is my only reply.
I want to be a mom. I mean, I want to be Keola's mom. I just don't know if I can. Is the damage too severe? Is there anything to salvage? Is it worth saving or am I being selfish? Can I do it? My heart hurts so bad.
Whenever someone asks "When is he coming home?" it feels like a knife is stabbing my heart. I DON'T KNOW! All I want to do is scream that. I don't know! I don't know what's happening until someone tells me. I hate not knowing! I hate not knowing whether or not I'm ready. I don't know who I can ask for help. I have no one to talk to who can relate.
_______________________________________
I know you guys are loving and caring and supportive, but you can't understand what it's like. You haven't had you world turned upside down THIS way.
He's been gone for 154 days, 5 moths and three days. I don't know when it will end
I asked for help from a "professional" I get a blank stare. I say in plain language I need help. I'm not doing well..... Silence is my only reply.
I want to be a mom. I mean, I want to be Keola's mom. I just don't know if I can. Is the damage too severe? Is there anything to salvage? Is it worth saving or am I being selfish? Can I do it? My heart hurts so bad.
Whenever someone asks "When is he coming home?" it feels like a knife is stabbing my heart. I DON'T KNOW! All I want to do is scream that. I don't know! I don't know what's happening until someone tells me. I hate not knowing! I hate not knowing whether or not I'm ready. I don't know who I can ask for help. I have no one to talk to who can relate.
_______________________________________
I know you guys are loving and caring and supportive, but you can't understand what it's like. You haven't had you world turned upside down THIS way.
He's been gone for 154 days, 5 moths and three days. I don't know when it will end
10 May 2011
The gift that is IOP
Some lingo for this blog:
IOP: Intensive Out Patient
Treatment: A service provider with regular interaction dealing with addiction
In Patient: A live in treatment center, basically voluntary jail for addicts.
Completion of IOP:Attend assigned sobriety support meetings as indicated in service plan. Attend and participate in group. Pass all UA's; make progress in your walk with addiction and recovery, comply with other recommendations of counselor and treatment center.
Sobriety Support Meeting: AA, NA, Recovery Support. Organized groups that have the sole purpose of getting information about recovery and addiction and helping others get and stay clean/sober.
UA: Urine Analysis. Yep. You "get" to pee in a cup in front of the same gender staff person to verify your sobriety. It's about as fun as it sounds.
Relapse: Use of mood/mind altering substance after abstinence from all addictive behavior/use for at least 6 months consecutively.
Continued Use: Return to addictive behavior/use while failing to be abstinent for 6 consecutive months.
Okay, now for the actual post! lol Not sure how familiar people are with some of the language used with addiction and treatment.
I've been going to IOP three times a week for what seems like forever. I started at one agency (names withheld to protect privacy of other patients) due to scheduling. Funding ran out and I switched to the agency where I currently attend and am successfully completing IOP. I started IOP with an attitude. "I'm not an alcoholic, I just drink too much sometimes" "I'm only here because I "have to be" "I'm willing to be compliant, but I won't necessarily change". Somewhere along the way things changed. I got real and started doing work.
I began to shed the excuses and justifications. I started listening to what I'd been told sadly many times before. I started listening to what addiction is; what powerless looks like, what unmanageability was and is in my life. How it was affecting my family and relationships. The more days that passed between today and my last day of use (13 Nov 2010) the less toxic I became. The less my thoughts, emotions, reactions were clouded by alcohol. You're probably thinking "duh!", but its so much more than that. I had my first drink at 18, sigh. FINE! I'm 26, I'll be 27 in July, I've been drinking just shy of a decade. Wow, I've never done that math before..... damn that's scary! Wow. Okay, back to what I was writing what I was intending to. During treatment I began really looking at what chaos my life and my son's life had become. Looking at the wake of damage and destruction I'd been leaving in my path without a second thought.
The more I've been in IOP the more experience I've had first hand with addiction, powerlessness and unmanageability. It is scary. It is more real than I could imagine or had ever thought. So thankful that God and others intervened before my path of addiction went down some of the roads I've had to hear about. Legal troubles, jail, probation, DUI, multiple treatment centers, complete disconnect from FOO and life long friends.
The other thing I've heard about A LOT! Relapse and Continued Use. I think this has been my area of greatest struggle. I am very happy to say I have not had any mind or mood altering substances since 13 Nov 2010. ( But what about when I went to the ER for severe back pain? When an addict is prescribed narcotics and they are taken in a controlled environment and not abused it is not considered relapse or continued use) The fact that I haven't relapsed or continued my use scares me. It keeps me on such an edge that the very idea of relapse is on my mind more than the euphoria of use. Weird, I know.
What is it about me that makes me "special", "different" from all the others who haven't been able to abstain? We all have something to lose. Kids, spouse, job, school, freedom, house, ect. So why have I been able to not use? I feel so weak and vulnerable like ALL the time. I keep going though, It's said in NA frequently "one is too many and a thousand is never enough." Abstaining from use has allowed me to see the power of truth this holds. I would bet big time a year or so ago I would have laughed at someone telling me this.
Last night at group (treatment), two members admitted to using. Their honesty was refreshing; previous weeks with other group members had been frustrating as continued use was lied about openly. One member was so honest to say that they had used a mere 3 hours before coming to group. The counselor addressed the concerns and invited another member to share their plan for attempted recovery as they were still struggling, a lot. IOP wasn't going to work for them. They were going to need in patient. We discussed that relapse or continued use isn't an event, it's a process. Meaning, relapse isn't when you picked up the bottle or pipe, it's your triggers that started the using thought processes. Part of recovery is identifying those times and looking for ways to manage those thoughts to avoid using and get into a better environment for abstinence. Group was let out a bit early as one member had a self proclaimed "crisis" they needed to deal with and another would have the opportunity to attend a sobriety support meeting.
This wasn't easy to hear. It didn't answer any questions! It didn't tell me WHY I've been able to abstain. It didn't tell me WHY my recovery is different from someone else in recovery. I don't know why. I don't get it. I just know that I haven't used. I've made sever changes. New phone number, new address, new social networking, new support. I made severe ties with those I could and began to let go of the ones I had to learn weren't real and honest support. In three days I will have 6 months. This is a big deal, my celebration will come when I make it to 9 months sober. 9-ish months is the longest I have even been voluntarily sober; I was pregnant. If I can abstain once again for my baby I will feel pride again.
So yeah, huge long post, short story long, I'm not digging sobriety this week.
IOP: Intensive Out Patient
Treatment: A service provider with regular interaction dealing with addiction
In Patient: A live in treatment center, basically voluntary jail for addicts.
Completion of IOP:Attend assigned sobriety support meetings as indicated in service plan. Attend and participate in group. Pass all UA's; make progress in your walk with addiction and recovery, comply with other recommendations of counselor and treatment center.
Sobriety Support Meeting: AA, NA, Recovery Support. Organized groups that have the sole purpose of getting information about recovery and addiction and helping others get and stay clean/sober.
UA: Urine Analysis. Yep. You "get" to pee in a cup in front of the same gender staff person to verify your sobriety. It's about as fun as it sounds.
Relapse: Use of mood/mind altering substance after abstinence from all addictive behavior/use for at least 6 months consecutively.
Continued Use: Return to addictive behavior/use while failing to be abstinent for 6 consecutive months.
Okay, now for the actual post! lol Not sure how familiar people are with some of the language used with addiction and treatment.
I've been going to IOP three times a week for what seems like forever. I started at one agency (names withheld to protect privacy of other patients) due to scheduling. Funding ran out and I switched to the agency where I currently attend and am successfully completing IOP. I started IOP with an attitude. "I'm not an alcoholic, I just drink too much sometimes" "I'm only here because I "have to be" "I'm willing to be compliant, but I won't necessarily change". Somewhere along the way things changed. I got real and started doing work.
I began to shed the excuses and justifications. I started listening to what I'd been told sadly many times before. I started listening to what addiction is; what powerless looks like, what unmanageability was and is in my life. How it was affecting my family and relationships. The more days that passed between today and my last day of use (13 Nov 2010) the less toxic I became. The less my thoughts, emotions, reactions were clouded by alcohol. You're probably thinking "duh!", but its so much more than that. I had my first drink at 18, sigh. FINE! I'm 26, I'll be 27 in July, I've been drinking just shy of a decade. Wow, I've never done that math before..... damn that's scary! Wow. Okay, back to what I was writing what I was intending to. During treatment I began really looking at what chaos my life and my son's life had become. Looking at the wake of damage and destruction I'd been leaving in my path without a second thought.
The more I've been in IOP the more experience I've had first hand with addiction, powerlessness and unmanageability. It is scary. It is more real than I could imagine or had ever thought. So thankful that God and others intervened before my path of addiction went down some of the roads I've had to hear about. Legal troubles, jail, probation, DUI, multiple treatment centers, complete disconnect from FOO and life long friends.
The other thing I've heard about A LOT! Relapse and Continued Use. I think this has been my area of greatest struggle. I am very happy to say I have not had any mind or mood altering substances since 13 Nov 2010. ( But what about when I went to the ER for severe back pain? When an addict is prescribed narcotics and they are taken in a controlled environment and not abused it is not considered relapse or continued use) The fact that I haven't relapsed or continued my use scares me. It keeps me on such an edge that the very idea of relapse is on my mind more than the euphoria of use. Weird, I know.
What is it about me that makes me "special", "different" from all the others who haven't been able to abstain? We all have something to lose. Kids, spouse, job, school, freedom, house, ect. So why have I been able to not use? I feel so weak and vulnerable like ALL the time. I keep going though, It's said in NA frequently "one is too many and a thousand is never enough." Abstaining from use has allowed me to see the power of truth this holds. I would bet big time a year or so ago I would have laughed at someone telling me this.
Last night at group (treatment), two members admitted to using. Their honesty was refreshing; previous weeks with other group members had been frustrating as continued use was lied about openly. One member was so honest to say that they had used a mere 3 hours before coming to group. The counselor addressed the concerns and invited another member to share their plan for attempted recovery as they were still struggling, a lot. IOP wasn't going to work for them. They were going to need in patient. We discussed that relapse or continued use isn't an event, it's a process. Meaning, relapse isn't when you picked up the bottle or pipe, it's your triggers that started the using thought processes. Part of recovery is identifying those times and looking for ways to manage those thoughts to avoid using and get into a better environment for abstinence. Group was let out a bit early as one member had a self proclaimed "crisis" they needed to deal with and another would have the opportunity to attend a sobriety support meeting.
This wasn't easy to hear. It didn't answer any questions! It didn't tell me WHY I've been able to abstain. It didn't tell me WHY my recovery is different from someone else in recovery. I don't know why. I don't get it. I just know that I haven't used. I've made sever changes. New phone number, new address, new social networking, new support. I made severe ties with those I could and began to let go of the ones I had to learn weren't real and honest support. In three days I will have 6 months. This is a big deal, my celebration will come when I make it to 9 months sober. 9-ish months is the longest I have even been voluntarily sober; I was pregnant. If I can abstain once again for my baby I will feel pride again.
So yeah, huge long post, short story long, I'm not digging sobriety this week.
08 May 2011
My tears that fall......
It's "Mothers Day". A day to celebrate life and mothers. Hallmark has been telling anyone who has eye and/or ears that for several weeks now. Florists have been emailing reminders. Radio stations are doing their part by announcing deals and giving away gifts to "the best mother!" Heck even my local Fro-Yo place is telling me "
06 May 2011
Mothers Day ------ BItter Sweet and Confusing
Mother's Day. hmmm. While in the "family home" Mothers Day (MD) was a day where us kids were not to bother/annoy/or in any way disturb her. Flowers, cards, chocolates and gifts were expected. It was never said directly, but passive aggressive behavior implied it was expected. Now my MOO (mother of origin) had this uncanny ability to "guess" every gift she ever received from us kids or my DOO (Dad of origin) It amazed and disappointed us a bit, we thought we were so clever in our gift choosing and wrapping, but never fail! She would also guess just by picking up the package and giving it a little shake. Breakfast was to be prepared for her; much fighting ensued between my sisters and I about who would do what/when/how; yelling and loud behavior was a natural part of well, every day, but especially on "special" days. DOO would then come thundering in to "stop" the fighting. If we were paying attention, we'd stop as he got in the room, if not we stopped when the belt or hand or fly swatter made contact. Then came the pinching and under the breath threats to each other.
ANYWAY, I digress. Mothers day with the FOO (Family of origin) was an expected event. Lavish gifts and presentation were the expected norm. I wonder now if it really meant anything? Every year she knew what to expect and what gifts she would receive. The fighting was down to a dull roar for the day, but right back up to normal the following day, was it anything special for her? Did it mean anything? I haven't had much of a relationship with her since I was 13y/o. (No sob story, survival instincts) Last time I can remember talking to her by choice was when I was told she was in a car accident. I went to Overlake Hospital with my son to see her. (I couldn't imagine being close enough to go and not actually) In reality, she had driven herself off a cliff in an attempt to end her life. (As far as I know she is still alive today) When I found out she had attempted suicide and that was why she was there, I was upset. Once again I was drawn into the toxic mess that is my FOO; not only I had brought my son into it as well. Since then there were a couple few attempts at trying to have a relationship, all failed. We/I/She couldn't get past some major points of pain. I made the choice to once again stop communication with her.
I do feel remorse that I don't have a relationship with my FOO who, to my knowledge, are all alive. What I can't do is go back to the toxic relationships and lives they lead. I want better for that and my son deserves better than to be surrounded by that. I know that I have some nasty parts in my life as well, but I am working on it and striving for a better and healthier life for us.
Wow, where is this going? lol..... let me get back on track.
So MD for me, then and now. My first experience with MD was when I was pregnant. I was working at Red Robin and a co-worker asked me a horrifying question. "Would you be like sad if your baby like died?" I BURST into tears! How could anyone say something so cruel? Yes, I was pregnant and not looking forward to being a single mother, but still! I was pregnant.... it was MD. It was just so mean. Keola's dad and I were broken up at this point but HIS mother and I remained great friends. We really clicked when we first met and regularly spent a lot of time together. MD for her was "nice" she had one daughter in Cali; her son, local and her step daughter, local. All she ever asked for was a hanging fuchsia basket. Easy! Brunch or a nice dinner was usually included as well as cards. Anything beyond the fuchsia basket was a bonus.
I love this woman so much. She passed away 2/9/07. She is still my best friend. A role model. A mother. Sister. Mentor. Grammie to my son. She is so special to me, I can't imagine a day where she won't be. Good times and bad she always acted in my son's best interest. She was love personified.
I became a birth mother 4:59pm on Sunday December 12, 2004. That alone was a strange day or so of events. Seeing the pure joy on my face (from pictures) and the pure joy of her face was amazing. It showed me what love looks like. The first time I experienced MD as a birth mother my son was 5 months old. The day didn't really mean much to me, every day I got to be his mom and see his smiles of appreciation. I didn't really have a "significant other" to celebrate the day with me. Or so I thought. I went downstairs to find my baby sitting with his Grammie waiting for me. On the table besides our coffee was a flower, a card and a wrapped package with "mommie" written on it. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized I was being honored, on MD. I opened up the package and saw something so beautiful, a picture of love. A mother and son in a beautiful frame with custom matting. Drawn into the matting was a rose similar to Grammies and "MOM". On the back written in her precise hand writing was "Happy first mothers day 2005"
MD since then haven't been anywhere near as awesome. Not "bad" but not special really, they have been just another day. This year, I'm missing Grammie so much! I don't have her here, I don't have her wisdom and advice comforting me. Maybe if she was her I wouldn't be in this season I'm in.... I really don't know. I know that I miss her terribly and I just want MD this year to go by quickly.
I don't get to see my kiddo on MD. The place that does supervises our visits right now isn't working that day. I know it's "just another day" but it's another day that I don't get to hug and kiss my peanut. It's a day that our new "normal" isn't normal. It's a day that I will see Facebook blow up with kind words of mom's here and gone; words of surprises and celebrations, excitement from those who are expecting their first or their fifth. Thankful words to spouses and kids who took time and effort to plan ways to show appreciation for the mom(s) in their lives.
I'm sitting here in tears now as I write this. I see my baby tonight, it's not the same. He's excited about MD, I don't know if he knows we won't see each other on Sunday or not. I hate knowing it's MY choices why we won't be together. I never wanted kids, but my baby changed me and saved my life. More times than I'd like to admit. My heart feels like it's crumbling into pieces when I think of pain and fear I've caused him. I want to fast forward time until we are together and in one home again. My head knows that isn't the solution, I need this time to grow and learn. I need to learn the tools and get the support I don't have. I need to get to the place where I can be the stable mom he deserves.
I hope that one day I can be even a shred of support and inspiration that Grammie was to me. So while you celebrate and honor the mom's in your life, cherish those moments. Thank them for being special and TELL them you appreciate them. MD will be a very hard day for me this year. I hope it's the last one that I feel like my heart is broken.
Some historical tidbits:
Anna Reeves Jarvis 1908
After Anna Reeves Jarvis died, her daughter Anna M. Jarvis campaigned for the creation of an official Mother’s Day in remembrance of her mother and in honor of peace. In 1908, Anna petitioned the superintendent of the church where her Mother had spent over 20 years teaching Sunday School. Her request was honored, and on May 10, 1908, the first official Mother's Day celebration took place at Andrew's Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia and a church in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The West Virginia event drew a congregation of 407 and Anna Jarvis arranged for white carnations—her Mother’s favorite flower—to adorn the patrons. Two carnations were given to every Mother in attendance. Today, white carnations are used to honor deceased Mothers, while pink or red carnations pay tribute to Mothers who are still alive. Andrew's Methodist Church exists to this day, and was incorporated into the International Mother’s Day Shrine in 1962
Anna Jarvis quit working and devoted herself full time to the creation of Mother's Day, endlessly petitioning state governments, business leaders, women groups, churches and other institutions and organizations. She finally convinced the World's Sunday School Association to back her, a key influence over state legislators and congress. In 1912 West Virginia became the first state to officially recognize Mother's Day, and in 1914 Woodrow Wilson signed it into national observance, declaring the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.
In opposition to the flower industry’s exploitation of the holiday, Jarvis wrote, “What will you do to route charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers and other termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest and truest movements and celebrations?” Despite her efforts, flower sales on Mother's Day continued to grow. Florist's Review wrote, “Miss Jarvis was completely squelched.”
Anna Jarvis died in 1948, blind, poor and childless. Jarvis would never know that it was, ironically, The Florist's Exchange that had anonymously paid for her care.
ANYWAY, I digress. Mothers day with the FOO (Family of origin) was an expected event. Lavish gifts and presentation were the expected norm. I wonder now if it really meant anything? Every year she knew what to expect and what gifts she would receive. The fighting was down to a dull roar for the day, but right back up to normal the following day, was it anything special for her? Did it mean anything? I haven't had much of a relationship with her since I was 13y/o. (No sob story, survival instincts) Last time I can remember talking to her by choice was when I was told she was in a car accident. I went to Overlake Hospital with my son to see her. (I couldn't imagine being close enough to go and not actually) In reality, she had driven herself off a cliff in an attempt to end her life. (As far as I know she is still alive today) When I found out she had attempted suicide and that was why she was there, I was upset. Once again I was drawn into the toxic mess that is my FOO; not only I had brought my son into it as well. Since then there were a couple few attempts at trying to have a relationship, all failed. We/I/She couldn't get past some major points of pain. I made the choice to once again stop communication with her.
I do feel remorse that I don't have a relationship with my FOO who, to my knowledge, are all alive. What I can't do is go back to the toxic relationships and lives they lead. I want better for that and my son deserves better than to be surrounded by that. I know that I have some nasty parts in my life as well, but I am working on it and striving for a better and healthier life for us.
Wow, where is this going? lol..... let me get back on track.
So MD for me, then and now. My first experience with MD was when I was pregnant. I was working at Red Robin and a co-worker asked me a horrifying question. "Would you be like sad if your baby like died?" I BURST into tears! How could anyone say something so cruel? Yes, I was pregnant and not looking forward to being a single mother, but still! I was pregnant.... it was MD. It was just so mean. Keola's dad and I were broken up at this point but HIS mother and I remained great friends. We really clicked when we first met and regularly spent a lot of time together. MD for her was "nice" she had one daughter in Cali; her son, local and her step daughter, local. All she ever asked for was a hanging fuchsia basket. Easy! Brunch or a nice dinner was usually included as well as cards. Anything beyond the fuchsia basket was a bonus.
I love this woman so much. She passed away 2/9/07. She is still my best friend. A role model. A mother. Sister. Mentor. Grammie to my son. She is so special to me, I can't imagine a day where she won't be. Good times and bad she always acted in my son's best interest. She was love personified.
I became a birth mother 4:59pm on Sunday December 12, 2004. That alone was a strange day or so of events. Seeing the pure joy on my face (from pictures) and the pure joy of her face was amazing. It showed me what love looks like. The first time I experienced MD as a birth mother my son was 5 months old. The day didn't really mean much to me, every day I got to be his mom and see his smiles of appreciation. I didn't really have a "significant other" to celebrate the day with me. Or so I thought. I went downstairs to find my baby sitting with his Grammie waiting for me. On the table besides our coffee was a flower, a card and a wrapped package with "mommie" written on it. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized I was being honored, on MD. I opened up the package and saw something so beautiful, a picture of love. A mother and son in a beautiful frame with custom matting. Drawn into the matting was a rose similar to Grammies and "MOM". On the back written in her precise hand writing was "Happy first mothers day 2005"
MD since then haven't been anywhere near as awesome. Not "bad" but not special really, they have been just another day. This year, I'm missing Grammie so much! I don't have her here, I don't have her wisdom and advice comforting me. Maybe if she was her I wouldn't be in this season I'm in.... I really don't know. I know that I miss her terribly and I just want MD this year to go by quickly.
I don't get to see my kiddo on MD. The place that does supervises our visits right now isn't working that day. I know it's "just another day" but it's another day that I don't get to hug and kiss my peanut. It's a day that our new "normal" isn't normal. It's a day that I will see Facebook blow up with kind words of mom's here and gone; words of surprises and celebrations, excitement from those who are expecting their first or their fifth. Thankful words to spouses and kids who took time and effort to plan ways to show appreciation for the mom(s) in their lives.
I'm sitting here in tears now as I write this. I see my baby tonight, it's not the same. He's excited about MD, I don't know if he knows we won't see each other on Sunday or not. I hate knowing it's MY choices why we won't be together. I never wanted kids, but my baby changed me and saved my life. More times than I'd like to admit. My heart feels like it's crumbling into pieces when I think of pain and fear I've caused him. I want to fast forward time until we are together and in one home again. My head knows that isn't the solution, I need this time to grow and learn. I need to learn the tools and get the support I don't have. I need to get to the place where I can be the stable mom he deserves.
I hope that one day I can be even a shred of support and inspiration that Grammie was to me. So while you celebrate and honor the mom's in your life, cherish those moments. Thank them for being special and TELL them you appreciate them. MD will be a very hard day for me this year. I hope it's the last one that I feel like my heart is broken.
Some historical tidbits:
Anna Reeves Jarvis 1908
After Anna Reeves Jarvis died, her daughter Anna M. Jarvis campaigned for the creation of an official Mother’s Day in remembrance of her mother and in honor of peace. In 1908, Anna petitioned the superintendent of the church where her Mother had spent over 20 years teaching Sunday School. Her request was honored, and on May 10, 1908, the first official Mother's Day celebration took place at Andrew's Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia and a church in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The West Virginia event drew a congregation of 407 and Anna Jarvis arranged for white carnations—her Mother’s favorite flower—to adorn the patrons. Two carnations were given to every Mother in attendance. Today, white carnations are used to honor deceased Mothers, while pink or red carnations pay tribute to Mothers who are still alive. Andrew's Methodist Church exists to this day, and was incorporated into the International Mother’s Day Shrine in 1962
US Government Adoption 1908
In 1908 a U.S. Senator from Nebraska, Elmer Burkett, proposed making Mother's Day a national holiday at the request of the Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA). The proposal was defeated, but by 1909 forty-six states were holding Mother's Day services as well as parts of Canada and Mexico.Anna Jarvis quit working and devoted herself full time to the creation of Mother's Day, endlessly petitioning state governments, business leaders, women groups, churches and other institutions and organizations. She finally convinced the World's Sunday School Association to back her, a key influence over state legislators and congress. In 1912 West Virginia became the first state to officially recognize Mother's Day, and in 1914 Woodrow Wilson signed it into national observance, declaring the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.
The Fight Over Commercialization
The holiday flourished in the United States and flowers, especially white carnations, became very popular. One business journal, Florists Review, went so far as to print, “This was a holiday that could be exploited.” But the budding commercialization of Mother's Day greatly disturbed Jarvis, so she vociferously opposed what she perceived as a misuse of the holiday. In 1923 she sued to stop a Mother’s Day event, and in the 1930's she was arrested for disturbing the peace at the American War Mothers group. She was protesting their sale of flowers. In the 1930’s Jarvis also petitioned against the postage stamp featuring her Mother, a vase of white carnations and the word “Mother’s Day.” Jarvis was able to have the words “Mother’s Day” removed. The flowers remained. In 1938, Time Magazine ran an article about Jarvis's fight to copyright Mother's Day, but by then it was already too late to change the commercial trend.In opposition to the flower industry’s exploitation of the holiday, Jarvis wrote, “What will you do to route charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers and other termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest and truest movements and celebrations?” Despite her efforts, flower sales on Mother's Day continued to grow. Florist's Review wrote, “Miss Jarvis was completely squelched.”
Anna Jarvis died in 1948, blind, poor and childless. Jarvis would never know that it was, ironically, The Florist's Exchange that had anonymously paid for her care.
02 May 2011
Power Of Addiction
Power Of Addiction
ADDICT:
1. A person who is addicted to a particular substance, typically an illegal drug
2. An enthusiastic devotee of a specified thing or activity
3. A person addicted to intoxicating drinks.
"Narcotics Anonymous offers recovery to addicts around the world. We focus on the disease of addiction rather than any particular drug. " http://www.na.org/?ID=IsNAForMe-content
Watered down version: A drug is a drug is a drug. Alcohol, coke, weed, Spice.
Some believe that addiction is a disease. Some don't. This post isn't about that. I think everyone agrees that addiction is powerful. Addiction doesn't care about race, creed, gender, financial status, age, ect.
Most of you reading this know that I had a life changing crisis November 13, 2011. I have not had a drink (never have done drugs) since that date. Part of living in a sober/clean/dry lifestyle is participating in Intensive Outpatient (IOP) treatment and Addiction Support meetings (AA/NA). Although annoying at times these services have proven useful in keeping me going in the right direction. I've met people I've been grateful to call "friend". I've met some people that have made me grateful I haven't hit their bottom.
Last night really through me for a loop. I was talking with someone that I only know through sobriety support services, I have no connections or information about this person other than what they share in anonymous services. They arrived at a service center appearing distressed. This is not uncommon! Many people seek additional support under the influence or in extreme distress. I didn't think much of it until I went to pass material to them. That's when the scent of the addiction hit me. Full on! Arms length away from this person I can smell the vodka on their breath and body. Instant reactions are sadness and disappointment. This person has been involved with services for years. Their battle is a tough one. I passed the material on and went back to my seat. A couple minuets later I look back to check on this person; tears on streaming down their face. The pain and shame and guilt is so apparent. As subtly as possible, I move my chair next to this person. My arm goes around their shoulder their tears fall fast and furious. Soft but emphatic "thank you." "please don't tell" "don't tell! please don't tell" come from their lips. I nod and affirm that I am there because I want to show my compassion and support, not judge. We sit in silence and continue to listen to the reason we came; encouragement and support from those that can relate to our distress. I had an appointment that I needed to make later that night which meant I would need to leave a little early. I gave my number to the person I'm sitting next to and encouraged their call.
The friend I came with and I left to go to our next appointment, we aren't gone ten minuets before I ask to go back. I couldn't leave someone who I believed to be under the influence and in extreme distress to drive home. My friend who was driving immediately turned around and dropped me back at the service site. I arrived just as the person in distress was walking to their car. A slight wave of relief fills me. Then comes the battle for the keys.
As someone who has driven under the influence more times than should be human possible, I knew this wouldn't be an easy feat.
As someone who has driven under the influence more times than should be human possible, I knew this wouldn't be an easy feat.
What surprised me is that it wasn't. Quickly I found the keys in my control and confirming my suspicions about the intoxication. I said I would be more than happy to chauffeur them home and ensure that they get there safely and in one piece. The verbal spar began. The realization that they didn't have their car keys anymore clicked. The knowledge that this wouldn't be a simple argument sunk in. In an effort to avoid a scene the person got in the drivers seat. I still had the keys and was continuing our conversation and my attempt at getting them home safe. Eventually I find myself in the passenger seat, keys still in my possession. The person in distress begins to start talking and getting real. The hurt and pain and betrayal comes pouring out in tears and words. I sit and listen as there isn't much for me to say, nothing I could have said would have taken away any pain.... this person needed to get the "stuff" out of their head and be heard. That's all I could do. Forty minuets later we are still in the car. Distress and previous use is still evident but without getting into a physical altercation there wouldn't be a way for me to drive this person home.
With a heavy heart I wished them safe travels and requested a call or text when they got home safely. As of 11:34 am Monday I still haven't heard from this person. I began walking home as they drove off.
Knowing I had tried everything I could within reason to assist them I still worried. I had confronted them about the suspected use. I listened and encouraged continued talk. I offered a safe way home. The result was flat out denial. I have no obligation to report use, to anyone. Still I am lied to. Opportunities and encouragement to be honest with themselves and me went by. I had no choice, tonight addiction was in control. To see someone I've been engaged in services with and shared struggles and "wins" with being under the control of the addiction was so difficult. I know addiction is "cunning, baffling and powerful"; I've read it. I've heard it ad nausea, but I haven't seen it first hand with someone with a desire to change.
It was so frightening to see someone so obviously drowning yet fighting to deny they were. It scared me. It made me worry about myself. It solidified my resolve to stick to my choices and FIGHT! I am so thankful that I haven't relapsed (a return to previous behaviour patterns) I know I'm not strong enough to come back. One drink. One choice. That's all that separates me from the future I desire. It's so close! It's right there, just waiting for me to hit that point of distress and hide from those who are so selfless in supporting me. I'm approaching my 6 month sobriety date and it's getting more difficult each day. The longer I stay engaged in services, the more people I meet and get close with and start having community with, the more the struggle and power of addiction becomes real.
I have no idea what to say to this person next time I see them. I'm sad that their struggle brings me joy and comfort in the knowledge that I have support. I have people holding me up. I have people answering their phone and text and Facebook. I'm so scared for them. I'm so scared for the reality of addiction
Alcoholics Anonymous: http://www.aa.org/
Narcotics Anonymous: http://www.na.org/
Alcoholics Anonymous: http://www.aa.org/
Narcotics Anonymous: http://www.na.org/
09 April 2011
Struggle
I'm not strong
First real test and the lure of the Crown Royal came hard. The smooth honey color, the distinct taste.... It would be so easy. Its just right there. Who would know? I'm in Seattle, earliest ua would be Monday and I could stall til evening. Pretty sure it could be clean.
I try and reach out..... Nothing. No one is there. The glass is calling me stronger. Just one little taste..... I don't have to swallow, just to feel its warmth in my mouth would be pleasure enough.
But would it? I've said if I pick up a drink again I've given up. On Keola, on me on everything.... Does it count if no one knows?
Fuck!
Standing in the bathroom watching versions of my past... I don't see the joy. The fun. The laughter. I see a daughter, a friend, a sister, a loved one that may never be seen again.She can't hardly stand; a caring friend calls out after too much silence. A mumbled replied then stumbling steps to the sink.
I know I didn't look any different. Why was my son worth the cost of the drink? I gambled with his precious life too many times. How could I have been so selfish?
Yes, I needed those nights to help balance the stress but it was what I needed in disguise. I needed friends. I needed love and support. I needed a "you can do it! Keep going! This is worth it! Keola needs this"
Tonight I saw my mirror. I didn't like what I saw. I mean I'm sitting in a bar writing this on my iPhone while my friend is listening to the show we came to see. What hurts is that the mirror has been there. The mirror hasn't changed. I have. I hit my bottom and instead of looking down and swimming in the murky water I'm fighting my way back up. Fighting my way back to the surface and clearer water.
It freakin sucks! Why can't I just take that stupid drink?
Because someone who loves my son more than I do put people, services and events in the way to make me realize my priorities were screwed up. This is one of the most painful seasons of my life but I can say through tears the one I'm second most grateful for. The first being my pregnancy. (hindsight obviously)
I'm glad I'm with a friend that heard my say I'm struggling and offered to leave. I'm glad I have a friends friends boyfriend who let me text him and ask for familiar support.
Right now, 11:16pm, I'm not sure if I'm glad I didn't take the drink.
First real test and the lure of the Crown Royal came hard. The smooth honey color, the distinct taste.... It would be so easy. Its just right there. Who would know? I'm in Seattle, earliest ua would be Monday and I could stall til evening. Pretty sure it could be clean.
I try and reach out..... Nothing. No one is there. The glass is calling me stronger. Just one little taste..... I don't have to swallow, just to feel its warmth in my mouth would be pleasure enough.
But would it? I've said if I pick up a drink again I've given up. On Keola, on me on everything.... Does it count if no one knows?
Fuck!
Standing in the bathroom watching versions of my past... I don't see the joy. The fun. The laughter. I see a daughter, a friend, a sister, a loved one that may never be seen again.She can't hardly stand; a caring friend calls out after too much silence. A mumbled replied then stumbling steps to the sink.
I know I didn't look any different. Why was my son worth the cost of the drink? I gambled with his precious life too many times. How could I have been so selfish?
Yes, I needed those nights to help balance the stress but it was what I needed in disguise. I needed friends. I needed love and support. I needed a "you can do it! Keep going! This is worth it! Keola needs this"
Tonight I saw my mirror. I didn't like what I saw. I mean I'm sitting in a bar writing this on my iPhone while my friend is listening to the show we came to see. What hurts is that the mirror has been there. The mirror hasn't changed. I have. I hit my bottom and instead of looking down and swimming in the murky water I'm fighting my way back up. Fighting my way back to the surface and clearer water.
It freakin sucks! Why can't I just take that stupid drink?
Because someone who loves my son more than I do put people, services and events in the way to make me realize my priorities were screwed up. This is one of the most painful seasons of my life but I can say through tears the one I'm second most grateful for. The first being my pregnancy. (hindsight obviously)
I'm glad I'm with a friend that heard my say I'm struggling and offered to leave. I'm glad I have a friends friends boyfriend who let me text him and ask for familiar support.
Right now, 11:16pm, I'm not sure if I'm glad I didn't take the drink.
12 March 2011
Disappointment
I get so excited about stuff and usually wind up so disappointed. For about as long as I can remember any special day/event/thing got ruined somehow. Not always huge, but it was always something to put a major damper on "it"
I hate it! I have a hard time looking forward to anything.... it's not worth it. The heartache and disappointment are just too much sometimes. I just want SOMETHING to work out the way I plan it.... just once!
I'm so upset about Spring Break.... I've had three awesome trips planned, yes 3 because the plans kept changing and now I'm back to being stuck in Ellensburg. I just want to escape for a little bit!
I tried planning a trip to the westside... SHOCKER it's not happening either. I was starting to plan a birthday trip this summer, SHOCKER! it won't happen.
I'm so frustrated that other people can plan things and have it work out. I am envious of people that can just "up and go" places.... plan trips MONTHS in advance and have it work out.
Just so sick of being let down.
I hate it! I have a hard time looking forward to anything.... it's not worth it. The heartache and disappointment are just too much sometimes. I just want SOMETHING to work out the way I plan it.... just once!
I'm so upset about Spring Break.... I've had three awesome trips planned, yes 3 because the plans kept changing and now I'm back to being stuck in Ellensburg. I just want to escape for a little bit!
I tried planning a trip to the westside... SHOCKER it's not happening either. I was starting to plan a birthday trip this summer, SHOCKER! it won't happen.
I'm so frustrated that other people can plan things and have it work out. I am envious of people that can just "up and go" places.... plan trips MONTHS in advance and have it work out.
Just so sick of being let down.
10 March 2011
So.... What's up?
Ugh. Tears and crying are the only emotions that feels normal. I hate it! 90% of my day I feel like I spend it trying to not cry and crumble. Between emotional pain and physical pain my days are just, they are just tough. It's not that my day is more difficult or challenging than everyone else's, or that my "stuff" is more important I am just really lacking the skill set to deal with it all right now.
Pressure is coming from all angles and it just feels so heavy, the weight is almost tangible. I'm so frustrated with the progress for Keola, but I'm being told things are actually ahead of schedule. The case worker is so disrespectful and just out right rude sometimes. Keola seems to be holding up okay but you can see in us both where it is just wearing us down.
I am not getting any assistance right now, for those that don't/didn't know, Keola and I were getting some help with food and medical insurance while I am in school. With me not working and Keola being in Temporary Foster Care (TFC) I can't get help anymore. It is so stressful. I have like $60 until financial aid kicks in for next quarter which is just about a month away. I'm supposed to get back child support payments but I've only gotten $35. Things are tough to say the least.
Spring break
I was sooooooo excited about seeing my BFF in Idaho for Spring Break! Keola and I were going to go, then it was just going to be me. Life happened so the trip got canceled. I decided I would run away to San Jose for a few days and escape life and enjoy the sunshine. As the trip was getting closer and complications began to arise the trip wasn't feeling "good" anymore, so I canceled that as well. The idea of spending time of the Westside (Seattle Area) was sounding/looking good until transportation and schedules started getting very stressful and complicated. I wanted a break! Seattle is 95% not going to happen either. I'm just so stressed out.... I really need a break from "life". I am so lonely in Ellensburg right now. I just want to escape for a bit.
Something really positive did happen yesterday (hopefully) I met with the Empowerment center at CWU. It was my understanding it was to inquire about volunteer opportunities, it wound up being a more formal interview with the ECenter for a paid internship! It would be under "work study" meaning I don't have to take out as much in loans and I will get paid more and won't have to pay it back. They work with class schedule and my having Keola isn't an issue at all. The position would be titled, paid and look great on a resume.
I'm really excited about this position as I would have quite a bit of freedom, I would be able to plan events and network like crazy! The position would focus on Gender (equality, empowerment, issues) as well as support/education/social connection for non-trad families.
Still sober! In 4 days I will have been sober for 4 months. It's not really that big of a deal to me, but given the situation it is. I start "treatment" again on Monday.... there is a lot of BS that goes along with it, but I made my choice to abuse alcohol instead of asking for help so now I get to jump through the hoops and go through the motions.
Alright, I don't really feel better but that's whats going on
Pressure is coming from all angles and it just feels so heavy, the weight is almost tangible. I'm so frustrated with the progress for Keola, but I'm being told things are actually ahead of schedule. The case worker is so disrespectful and just out right rude sometimes. Keola seems to be holding up okay but you can see in us both where it is just wearing us down.
I am not getting any assistance right now, for those that don't/didn't know, Keola and I were getting some help with food and medical insurance while I am in school. With me not working and Keola being in Temporary Foster Care (TFC) I can't get help anymore. It is so stressful. I have like $60 until financial aid kicks in for next quarter which is just about a month away. I'm supposed to get back child support payments but I've only gotten $35. Things are tough to say the least.
Spring break
I was sooooooo excited about seeing my BFF in Idaho for Spring Break! Keola and I were going to go, then it was just going to be me. Life happened so the trip got canceled. I decided I would run away to San Jose for a few days and escape life and enjoy the sunshine. As the trip was getting closer and complications began to arise the trip wasn't feeling "good" anymore, so I canceled that as well. The idea of spending time of the Westside (Seattle Area) was sounding/looking good until transportation and schedules started getting very stressful and complicated. I wanted a break! Seattle is 95% not going to happen either. I'm just so stressed out.... I really need a break from "life". I am so lonely in Ellensburg right now. I just want to escape for a bit.
Something really positive did happen yesterday (hopefully) I met with the Empowerment center at CWU. It was my understanding it was to inquire about volunteer opportunities, it wound up being a more formal interview with the ECenter for a paid internship! It would be under "work study" meaning I don't have to take out as much in loans and I will get paid more and won't have to pay it back. They work with class schedule and my having Keola isn't an issue at all. The position would be titled, paid and look great on a resume.
I'm really excited about this position as I would have quite a bit of freedom, I would be able to plan events and network like crazy! The position would focus on Gender (equality, empowerment, issues) as well as support/education/social connection for non-trad families.
Still sober! In 4 days I will have been sober for 4 months. It's not really that big of a deal to me, but given the situation it is. I start "treatment" again on Monday.... there is a lot of BS that goes along with it, but I made my choice to abuse alcohol instead of asking for help so now I get to jump through the hoops and go through the motions.
Alright, I don't really feel better but that's whats going on
21 February 2011
Angry! Frustrated! So over this....
This is not a happy post. It's not a depression post. It's a "I need to vent and have a pity party" post.
I hate my apartment. I hate that I'm not living alone. I hate having a roommate. I hate my teeny tiny room that I feel like I have to hide in. I hate my stupid twin bed that is so high I have to use a step stool to climb into bed. (Even with the step stool it's still hard)
My kitchen sucks! I can't reach half of "my" cupboard space. The layout is terrible, not functional, and just plain sucks. It's so small I can't even have the oven against the wall straight because if I do, then I can't open my cupboards! I hate that I don't want to cook. I hate that I can't cook.
I feel like I'm living in a shitty hotel that I'm not welcome at. I hardly even see my roommate but there is just always this weird tension around. I feel so guilty sitting in the living room, I don't feel like this is my place. Is this how it always is when you have a roommate? I'm not used to having to hide in my room, I hate being in my bedroom. My bedroom, in general, hasn't held very good memories for me. (so many reasons, maybe another post on another day)
I just want to be back in a place that I can call mine. Where I don't feel like a guest. I want to be able to have people over again! I want to be able to feel like myself you know? Blast my music as I'm getting ready in the morning. Have my morning things set out in the bathroom so I don't have to constantly switch plug ins.
I'm sure this seems so petty to most of you, but I just hate it! It's wearing on me. I feel like I'm being punished.... again and again and again.
I just want my family back and a place of our own. I know I need help still, I want help still but I want to feel like I have ownership of SOMETHING in my world.
ttyl
I hate my apartment. I hate that I'm not living alone. I hate having a roommate. I hate my teeny tiny room that I feel like I have to hide in. I hate my stupid twin bed that is so high I have to use a step stool to climb into bed. (Even with the step stool it's still hard)
My kitchen sucks! I can't reach half of "my" cupboard space. The layout is terrible, not functional, and just plain sucks. It's so small I can't even have the oven against the wall straight because if I do, then I can't open my cupboards! I hate that I don't want to cook. I hate that I can't cook.
I feel like I'm living in a shitty hotel that I'm not welcome at. I hardly even see my roommate but there is just always this weird tension around. I feel so guilty sitting in the living room, I don't feel like this is my place. Is this how it always is when you have a roommate? I'm not used to having to hide in my room, I hate being in my bedroom. My bedroom, in general, hasn't held very good memories for me. (so many reasons, maybe another post on another day)
I just want to be back in a place that I can call mine. Where I don't feel like a guest. I want to be able to have people over again! I want to be able to feel like myself you know? Blast my music as I'm getting ready in the morning. Have my morning things set out in the bathroom so I don't have to constantly switch plug ins.
I'm sure this seems so petty to most of you, but I just hate it! It's wearing on me. I feel like I'm being punished.... again and again and again.
I just want my family back and a place of our own. I know I need help still, I want help still but I want to feel like I have ownership of SOMETHING in my world.
ttyl
18 February 2011
Poetry
The tears fall faster than the rain
Pain comes in waves mightier than the ocean
My sobs seem as loud as the hurricanes that ravage
I sit here fighting the urge
Sweet release! Where are you?
Just one little taste, just a moment in time is all I beg
It doesn't come.
I'm told to fight and win but all I see is loss
My hope, my dreams.
Where is the end in sight?
All I need is my lighthouse, someone please!
I need a light to guide me
I'm running aground
The jagged rocks, they beckon me
Pain! The joyous pain I can identify
At least I'll know that end.
Just Depressed
I'm just depressed. There is so much going on and it's really wearing on me. I'm having more and more physical symptoms of my stress and anxiety; hives, migraines, bloody noses, lack of sleep. I'm just upset.... I've missed a couple days of meds at random and it's obvious that now that I'm sober what a positive effect that they have on me.
I'm just so tired and emotional all the time. I'm not expressing my emotions all the time but inside it's like a constant battle of just trying to stay level. Even as I'm sitting here tears are streaming down my face. It's so frustrating! I know I need to be stronger than this, I have to be stronger than this! My future with Keola depends on it.
I feel like I'm just running in circles.... I can track my appointments and see that I'm making progress and steps in the right direction but I don't feel like any of my actions/changes/efforts are being seen or counted.
I feel like either I'm isolating everyone or I'm being isolated by others. It's so hard feeling so lonely. I don't know how to say I want to feel thought of, acknowledged; (This isn't a slam on anyone, just how I'm feeling, and the depression talking) My "special friend" and I.... drives me crazy. One day it seems like things are moving forward then the next it's why am I still doing this? I just want to matter to someone. Know that I can be somebodies someone.
That's all for now.... the tears are too heavy to continue
I'm just so tired and emotional all the time. I'm not expressing my emotions all the time but inside it's like a constant battle of just trying to stay level. Even as I'm sitting here tears are streaming down my face. It's so frustrating! I know I need to be stronger than this, I have to be stronger than this! My future with Keola depends on it.
I feel like I'm just running in circles.... I can track my appointments and see that I'm making progress and steps in the right direction but I don't feel like any of my actions/changes/efforts are being seen or counted.
I feel like either I'm isolating everyone or I'm being isolated by others. It's so hard feeling so lonely. I don't know how to say I want to feel thought of, acknowledged; (This isn't a slam on anyone, just how I'm feeling, and the depression talking) My "special friend" and I.... drives me crazy. One day it seems like things are moving forward then the next it's why am I still doing this? I just want to matter to someone. Know that I can be somebodies someone.
That's all for now.... the tears are too heavy to continue
06 February 2011
6 Feb Update on Keola
I can't really say too much, but I did want to throw out an update.
Keola *is* in Ellensburg. He is currently staying with a foster family and seems to be well fed, happy and being taken care.
He was removed from his dad's home. Reasons cannot be disclosed right now.
I see Keola every Friday night and Sunday afternoon. I absolutely love our time together! He see's me and his eyes light up and he RUNS to me with open arms and has some sweet thing to say to me.
I had court regarding the situation on 25 December 2010, I am on probation for 24 months when I complete that without any violations, charges will be dismissed. At this point nothing is on my record. I am very grateful for this result, the court saw it as what it was, a rare occurrence. I am not an abuser, I do not beat or mistreat Keola. I have volunteered to take a DV course though, and the court put in a formal request for that to happen. (It's needed to get the court approved certification) I am looking forward to it as I was raised with "yell first, hit second" it will be good to learn how to change my fight or flight reaction from yelling and hitting.
I am still involved with CPS, at this point it's best as it will address issues the most quickly. On 17 March 2011 we have court to decide the next steps. It's my understanding that at this court hearing the recommendation for Keola and I to be reunited will be explained. Terms, conditions, follow up assistance, ect.
Any other questions? Let me know. I can't answer all of the questions or provide all the details but I will answer what I can. As always, thanks for your support.
Keola *is* in Ellensburg. He is currently staying with a foster family and seems to be well fed, happy and being taken care.
He was removed from his dad's home. Reasons cannot be disclosed right now.
I see Keola every Friday night and Sunday afternoon. I absolutely love our time together! He see's me and his eyes light up and he RUNS to me with open arms and has some sweet thing to say to me.
I had court regarding the situation on 25 December 2010, I am on probation for 24 months when I complete that without any violations, charges will be dismissed. At this point nothing is on my record. I am very grateful for this result, the court saw it as what it was, a rare occurrence. I am not an abuser, I do not beat or mistreat Keola. I have volunteered to take a DV course though, and the court put in a formal request for that to happen. (It's needed to get the court approved certification) I am looking forward to it as I was raised with "yell first, hit second" it will be good to learn how to change my fight or flight reaction from yelling and hitting.
I am still involved with CPS, at this point it's best as it will address issues the most quickly. On 17 March 2011 we have court to decide the next steps. It's my understanding that at this court hearing the recommendation for Keola and I to be reunited will be explained. Terms, conditions, follow up assistance, ect.
Any other questions? Let me know. I can't answer all of the questions or provide all the details but I will answer what I can. As always, thanks for your support.
My biological clock is ticking.....?
First off, I AM NOT PREGNANT! Without major scientific intervention this is not possible. (Long story, let's talk about it, not many people know)
So, yeah, holy crap I have a massive case of the "baby bug". It is freaking me out like no other. I think the only other time I was this baby bugged was when I thought I was pregnant but hadn't taken THE test yet. Pretty anyone who knows me knows I am not a kid person. I don't like them. They are usually rude, smelly, sticky and not enjoyable to be around. I tolerate some kids some of the time "But wait, weren't you room mom?" YES! and I absolutely loved it! I got to be around the kids for short periods of time with specific purposes in mind. When I was done I was usually overstimulated myself and ready to just have down time with my boy.
*** Usual disclaimer applies: If I choose to spend time with/around your kid(s) I like them.***
I have no clue if it's my "time" to have my biological clock ticking, according to my epic Google research it is a possibility. Pregnancy doesn't scare me, that was the easy part and sometimes fun part, it's the whole, starting from diapers phase and raising another kid part that freaks me out. Keola is the greatest thing to happen to me but I have serious doubts about having a successful pregnancy let alone raising another child and not losing my sanity completely. (No, that is not being said in jest. I am completely serious) All you marrieds out there, Shoosh!, a dependable, providing, loving, caring husband wouldn't change my mind one iota. Sorry. I know there are tons of "success" stories of the lonely single mom getting married and having more kids. Not how this play works out.
So let's say it's NOT my biological clock, hormones? Missing Keola like crazy? Well, DUH of course I'm missing Keola like crazy. What's keeping me going right now is knowing Keola is in a home where he is getting the attention and affirmation HE needs to get through this season. It breaks my heart knowing that my choices have forced us into this season, but I think it will turn out to be a season of growth and positive change for the both of us if we let it. Keola is so smart! He knows I haven't given up on him or given him up but I need to get some help. Already I am seeing changes in how I interact with others and my reactions are so different. When Keola and I spend time together it's freakin awesome but I feel like we are closer too. I have been so open with Keola about what's going on and how I am getting help and what I'm working on. I've gotten some concern about this but my answer is this. Keola saw me getting "sick" and not doing well. He may not have been able to label it "depression" or "anxiety" or "alcohol abuse" but he did see it, I feel for him to come back with me and know things are different he needs to see me working on my path of stability. He was been such an awesome support! We check in and he asks me questions and I answer them honestly. Most of them have been about not drinking or seeing my counselor. My heart fills with joy knowing he is able to understand that you don't get "sick" overnight and you don't get "better" overnight either. He is seeing me work through some difficult things and see it as a strength rather than a weakness. His grammie nicknamed him "Spirit Lifter" and I couldn't agree more.
What the heck do I do about this baby bug!??!?!?!?!? I'm so lost. I have no idea what the future holds, I am hoping it doesn't include my raising of more children. I don't think it's something I have the strength for. Once I get more stable I would consider being a surrogate; I really loved being pregnant and I think that is something I would be able to happen. So yeah, that's what's going on with me at the moment.... if you see me getting all weird about baby stuff that's why. Please just remind me that it will pass ;-)
So, yeah, holy crap I have a massive case of the "baby bug". It is freaking me out like no other. I think the only other time I was this baby bugged was when I thought I was pregnant but hadn't taken THE test yet. Pretty anyone who knows me knows I am not a kid person. I don't like them. They are usually rude, smelly, sticky and not enjoyable to be around. I tolerate some kids some of the time "But wait, weren't you room mom?" YES! and I absolutely loved it! I got to be around the kids for short periods of time with specific purposes in mind. When I was done I was usually overstimulated myself and ready to just have down time with my boy.
*** Usual disclaimer applies: If I choose to spend time with/around your kid(s) I like them.***
I have no clue if it's my "time" to have my biological clock ticking, according to my epic Google research it is a possibility. Pregnancy doesn't scare me, that was the easy part and sometimes fun part, it's the whole, starting from diapers phase and raising another kid part that freaks me out. Keola is the greatest thing to happen to me but I have serious doubts about having a successful pregnancy let alone raising another child and not losing my sanity completely. (No, that is not being said in jest. I am completely serious) All you marrieds out there, Shoosh!, a dependable, providing, loving, caring husband wouldn't change my mind one iota. Sorry. I know there are tons of "success" stories of the lonely single mom getting married and having more kids. Not how this play works out.
So let's say it's NOT my biological clock, hormones? Missing Keola like crazy? Well, DUH of course I'm missing Keola like crazy. What's keeping me going right now is knowing Keola is in a home where he is getting the attention and affirmation HE needs to get through this season. It breaks my heart knowing that my choices have forced us into this season, but I think it will turn out to be a season of growth and positive change for the both of us if we let it. Keola is so smart! He knows I haven't given up on him or given him up but I need to get some help. Already I am seeing changes in how I interact with others and my reactions are so different. When Keola and I spend time together it's freakin awesome but I feel like we are closer too. I have been so open with Keola about what's going on and how I am getting help and what I'm working on. I've gotten some concern about this but my answer is this. Keola saw me getting "sick" and not doing well. He may not have been able to label it "depression" or "anxiety" or "alcohol abuse" but he did see it, I feel for him to come back with me and know things are different he needs to see me working on my path of stability. He was been such an awesome support! We check in and he asks me questions and I answer them honestly. Most of them have been about not drinking or seeing my counselor. My heart fills with joy knowing he is able to understand that you don't get "sick" overnight and you don't get "better" overnight either. He is seeing me work through some difficult things and see it as a strength rather than a weakness. His grammie nicknamed him "Spirit Lifter" and I couldn't agree more.
What the heck do I do about this baby bug!??!?!?!?!? I'm so lost. I have no idea what the future holds, I am hoping it doesn't include my raising of more children. I don't think it's something I have the strength for. Once I get more stable I would consider being a surrogate; I really loved being pregnant and I think that is something I would be able to happen. So yeah, that's what's going on with me at the moment.... if you see me getting all weird about baby stuff that's why. Please just remind me that it will pass ;-)
23 January 2011
Awesome thoughts.... got this from a friend
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5.. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8.. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So.....
If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember.....
When life hands you lemons, Ask for Gin and tonic and call me over!!
Good friends are like stars.....
You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.
'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway.'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
Forward to all your friends. And don't tell me you're too busy for this..
Don't you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'?
See how many 'bouquets' you end up with!
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5.. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8.. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So.....
If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember.....
When life hands you lemons, Ask for Gin and tonic and call me over!!
Good friends are like stars.....
You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.
'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway.'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
Forward to all your friends. And don't tell me you're too busy for this..
Don't you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'?
See how many 'bouquets' you end up with!
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going
General Update as of 22 Jan 11
I want to start off by thanking you all for your support during this insane season I'm in. I know my choices haven't made it easy, but I appreciate the support and encouragement as you are seeing me make choices that will not only make me physically and mentally more healthy and get my family back together. With that said, I am asking you to please speak boldly even if you don't think I will want to hear what you have to say. I am an utter mess right now. I have such big emotional blinders on there is no way I can have a clear perspective. The counselor I have been seeing is wonderful, she doesn't allow me to wallow or stay in a victim mode. She hears what I have to say then challenges perspective if they don't seem objective. I come out of our sessions typically much more calm and clear headed then when I began. Some of you have been doing this all along and it means so much knowing that harsh words could end our friendship but you are willing to risk it to see me through this. I have been a really terrible friend these last few months. I know saying "I'm sorry" isn't near enough, but right now that's all I can offer. That and an openness to change.
Moved!
I am still in Ellensburg, still attending CWU full time, still participating in all the technical services. Living in Brooklane was no longer an option for a few reasons: Financially I couldn't afford to pay that much for a space when it was just me, a couple of the neighbors whom we've been friends with since Keola and I moved to Eburg decided they could no longer be my friend given choices I have made, they have chosen to lash out viciously to show me that my actions are unacceptable in their mind. They have spoken to investigators in the CPS case and also made several false police reports in regards to my behavior. Specifically sighting that I have been intoxicated, yelling, giving menacing looks, and destroying their personal property in the community laundry room. UA's (pee in a cup test) have all been clean since I chose to become sober on 13 November; I am doing a daily call in and a random testing 1-2 times/week. I have not have communication nor contact with the neighbors since 4 Jan 11, the day it was decided Keola would stay with his dad while I sought intensive treatment. Technology also cleared me of being in the laundry the day the damage was supposedly done. I also have people confirming I was in meetings and debit receipts confirming I wasn't at Brooklane. I am in a new living situation as of 22 Jan 11 and it looks like it will work out in the temporary. At this point, I am goaling to June, and hopefully will have answer about when Keola and I can be reunited full time.
The faculty at CWU has been awesome. They have been diligent about following procedure and not taking sides. They have followed up on allegations and taken action when and where needed. The grace they have extended to me regarding financial aid and student status has been overwhelming. Due to my persistence and communication with everything CWU has chosen to assist in keeping me as a student, academic probation and conduct probation are in place, however I don't think it will be a barrier now that I am sober, in intensive treatment programs and am living in a healthier living environment.
Academically this quarter is going really well. I got a B+ on my first exam. I'm current in all my classes and feel like I have a good understanding of the material.
Sooooooooo, What is the big emergency with Keola?
Keola is not safe at his dads place. I can't go into a lot of detail right now, but I have obtained an attorney. I feel like I need more advocacy that is pulling for just me and just my family instead of what the law says "should" happen. Additional supports have been requested at his dad's place; the intent is that things will begin to smooth out and Keola won't face another transition so quickly. I get to see Keola next weekend! I'm so excited. He will be staying with someone in Ellensburg so we will have some nice long visits :-)
I think that's it for now. As always, please ask ANY questions you may have, big or small. I will answer honestly and as openly as I can.
Moved!
I am still in Ellensburg, still attending CWU full time, still participating in all the technical services. Living in Brooklane was no longer an option for a few reasons: Financially I couldn't afford to pay that much for a space when it was just me, a couple of the neighbors whom we've been friends with since Keola and I moved to Eburg decided they could no longer be my friend given choices I have made, they have chosen to lash out viciously to show me that my actions are unacceptable in their mind. They have spoken to investigators in the CPS case and also made several false police reports in regards to my behavior. Specifically sighting that I have been intoxicated, yelling, giving menacing looks, and destroying their personal property in the community laundry room. UA's (pee in a cup test) have all been clean since I chose to become sober on 13 November; I am doing a daily call in and a random testing 1-2 times/week. I have not have communication nor contact with the neighbors since 4 Jan 11, the day it was decided Keola would stay with his dad while I sought intensive treatment. Technology also cleared me of being in the laundry the day the damage was supposedly done. I also have people confirming I was in meetings and debit receipts confirming I wasn't at Brooklane. I am in a new living situation as of 22 Jan 11 and it looks like it will work out in the temporary. At this point, I am goaling to June, and hopefully will have answer about when Keola and I can be reunited full time.
The faculty at CWU has been awesome. They have been diligent about following procedure and not taking sides. They have followed up on allegations and taken action when and where needed. The grace they have extended to me regarding financial aid and student status has been overwhelming. Due to my persistence and communication with everything CWU has chosen to assist in keeping me as a student, academic probation and conduct probation are in place, however I don't think it will be a barrier now that I am sober, in intensive treatment programs and am living in a healthier living environment.
Academically this quarter is going really well. I got a B+ on my first exam. I'm current in all my classes and feel like I have a good understanding of the material.
Sooooooooo, What is the big emergency with Keola?
Keola is not safe at his dads place. I can't go into a lot of detail right now, but I have obtained an attorney. I feel like I need more advocacy that is pulling for just me and just my family instead of what the law says "should" happen. Additional supports have been requested at his dad's place; the intent is that things will begin to smooth out and Keola won't face another transition so quickly. I get to see Keola next weekend! I'm so excited. He will be staying with someone in Ellensburg so we will have some nice long visits :-)
I think that's it for now. As always, please ask ANY questions you may have, big or small. I will answer honestly and as openly as I can.
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