I never wanted to be a mom.

I never wanted to be a mom. Kids were never in my plan. I didn't want to be tied down. I was going to be free as soon as I was 18. I would travel. I would pick up and go whenever I felt like it. I would never be a parent. I would never inflict my childhood horrors on another human being.

February 19th, 2004 in a Rite Aid bathroom that changed everything. Sort of. I had been sick for weeks but I thought I had the flu. An offhand comment from a co-worker was the reason for taking the test. As I sat on the dirty floor of the Rite Aid bathroom alternating between crying, throwing up and absolute fear the stick turned pink. It couldn't be. No way could I be pregnant. I mean, sure, I was having unprotected sex and not really being careful, but no way could this be happening! We had broken up on the 9th. He'd been cheating on me, they were "officially" together. This wasn't happening. I cleaned myself up and went home. I was angry. My really good friend (at the time) came over and asked what was wrong, I said I thought I was pregnant. We cried. We went back to Rite Aid and bought another test. As it sat in the bathroom, I sat in the living room avoiding liquids. If I didn't have to pee I couldn't find out my fate. (Brilliant I know.) Finally I'm forced in the bathroom, I'm not even off the toilet and the stick couldn't be more pink. About 15 mins of expletives later from my friend and buckets of tears from me we emerge; me undeniably pregnant. All I could do is weep. This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. More than I was able to understand for months, it was real. It was happening. I did have choices to make. One of the first choices was whether or not to tell his dad. (the one and only man I had ever slept with) I was so scared, we had had a mildly violent relationship. He was already with someone else. It was over. As the questions raced through my mind, his phone only rang. Hours and hours this went on. Finally he answers, my friend asks him to come home that I'm sick. He refuses because he's at a party with his, now, ex wife. Friend blurts out "Tiff's pregnant." I burst into tears he says "Fuck! God Damn whore" then hangs up the phone. I didn't see him for two days. When he finally came over he said he didn't believe me and said that he and "crazy" (To respect privacy I changed her real name) had slept together "so don't think there is any hope of getting back together." He finds out I'm pregnant and gets drunk and  sleeps with someone else. WTH! This is so not how this is supposed to go. Fast forward a couple-few weeks of massive nausea, tears, fights and "discussions" about what my options were. Going up it was practically burned into us that abortion was no different than buying a gun and shooting a random person on the street and walking away.  Well, now that doesn't seem like something I could live with. Male Adult "But "baby daddy" had other girlfriends who did it."  Male Adult to baby daddy " I'll give you $5,000.00 to stay away from her and the baby", once it was determined my stubborn ass wouldn't have an abortion. To this day I wish "baby daddy" had taken that offer. He wanted to try and do the right thing. (to his credit he has tried a little. Failed miserably more times than I can count)

My pregnancy was totally normal but an emotional hell. "baby daddy"'s mom and I were really good friends the past two years we'd been dating. No one was happy about the pregnancy but there was a baby about to join the world. A baby that would be their grandchild. She and I bonded further as my belly began to grow. Then came the horrid day when she called and asked if I was busy and if she could stop by. I wasn't, she did. Something was off, she wasn't saying "something". As we're talking, I broke in with "Crazy" is pregnant isn't she?" With tears in her eyes my best friend nodded in confirmation. I was expecting this deep down, in the shock of the moment I couldn't do anything but clean. I just stood in my kitchen scrubbing and cleaning then I walked into my bedroom and burst into tears. Me and my baby weren't good enough for him but "Crazy" and her baby were?!?!?! I was doing the right thing right? I wasn't committing murder. Why was this happening? To this day I can still remember the blue shirt and jeans I was wearing. The exact layout and contents of my apartment and the way I felt when my breath was literally taken from me as she nodded confirmation of my guess. That pain is still real. I feel it fresh with the news of every new pregnancy (4 additional). What was so wrong with me and the baby we had made? Why were we not good enough to make a family together? Why was I not good enough to have his baby?

Hearing the confirmation of, at the time, one of my worst fears sent me into massive stress and anxiety. I had difficulty eating and sleeping. I threw myself into "nesting" and work. It was about three days I hadn't noticed my baby moving. Friend drove me to the emergency room in Bellevue; Not completley sure I would be keeping the baby, yes, I would remain pregnant, but the idea of being a mom hadn't been fully decided.  I was about five months pregnant so they were able to do an ultra sound to ensure baby was were it needed to be and see if there were any complications. Okay, whatever, look at the creepy thing growing in me. Really don't care! So I am wheeled into another room, everything checks out, then they ask they question that for me confirmed not only was I pregnant, but I was going to keep my baby. The tech asked "would you like to hear the heartbeat?" 159 little thump thump thumps changed my world. It was then the tech guessed I was having a boy based on heartbeat. I couldn't speak. There, on the screen was MY baby. MY baby had a heartbeat, arms, legs, head, body! In me.... that was MY baby. From that day forward things changed. I still wasn't "excited" about being a mom, it was more of something I had come to terms with. "Mom" it was a title, no different than "waitress" "female". "Mom" would be a job I would now have. As my belly grew bigger and bigger I knew my heart was too. Each kick or move triggered a feeling I'd never had before. Warm nights laying on the couch listening to music and watching the circus show that was my belly softened me somehow.

Keola was born 12 December 2004 at 4:59pm. 8 pounds, 8 oz. A beautiful, healthy boy. The first few days with Keola were so hard. I had taken the classes (what.a.joke.) to teach me how to be a new mom. Apparently nothing stuck because I felt so clueless and like an absolute failure. Grammie (baby daddie mom/my best friend) took me under her wing and showed me and lectured me and loved on me until I had begun to stand on my own two feet. Keola and I had a few difficult times but managed to pull through.

I love MY baby more than anything in the world. I don't know how to. My childhood was such a mess, my role models were lacking to say the least. I was never one to play with dolly's or Barbies. I've written this whole thing behind a veil of tears and shaking sobs of pain and memories. I never wanted to be a mom. Keola changed that so many times. I can't imagine NOT being his mom. As much as I struggle with this I can't imagine not having that amazing little boy in my life. As I begin facing the demons of my past and nightmares I've kept buried and silenced for so long I know we will still have a tough road ahead. Seeing Keola wake up and smile and laugh everyday is proof to me that he can overcome the mess that I am. If he can do that at six years old I need to learn how to face my past and come out with a fresh smile and laugh for each day.

I love you so much Keola Addison Dwight Love. You have changed my world and I don't want it to ever go back to the empty void it was before you came along.

~Mom.